5th June 2013
My little rhubarb crumble,
It was lovely to see you back at PM’s Questions. What a wonderful tan you seem to have picked up. Nothing too newsworthy to debate about this time though, thankfully, but then again, debate isn’t really what PMQ is all about – one must keep up the appearance that the only relevant battle is between Labour and the Tories and not between plain old right and wrong. I completely understand the idea darling; limit the spectrum of debate down to which party could do a better job and it makes it much easier to ignore the more fundamental issue of ethics.
I noticed that while debating over the fact that A&E waiting times are now at unacceptable levels, it was hardly mentioned that perhaps the inadequate staffing levels due to budget targets and the slashing of funds to pay for expensive initiatives contracted to multi-billion pound international firms like Atos played a part; or the closure of A&E units and NHS walk-in centres up and down the country might have had some effect; or perhaps the selling off of NHS services to profit-driven companies and the recent bill that is helping to facilitate that (that 142 peers with vested interests in private healthcare companies were allowed to vote on) was partly responsible.
And the biggest scandal to hit the papers since the MP’s expenses – the secret filming of MPs accepting cash for parliamentary favours – is hardly making a wave. And why should it? The fact that this story barely made a ripple is testament to your awesomeness, my darling. You’ve managed to create an environment where the corporate world and government have become so intertwined that no-one bats an eyelid when a paper entraps an MP in order to show it in plain sight. MPs have been looking after private interests and moving on to lucrative jobs within those companies and vice versa at a rate of knots since you came into power, my angel. The accepted level of corruption in government is such that nobody is surprised anymore. It’s like putting on the news that a few people have been blown up in Baghdad, or that someone with a debilitating terminal illness has been found fit for work; it happens so often that it’s hardly newsworthy anymore.
You’re a true champion for the cause, my love. I understand you. I get you. When the dust has cleared, we will look back with reverence to your time in power and realise that all you ever wanted was to make the UK stronger by helping the true heroes – the shareholders. And a lucrative seat on the Board of Directors of a multi-national corporation wouldn’t go amiss either, eh.
Perhaps an affair with a polyandrous mistress wouldn’t be such a scandal then, do you think? Give me a call in 2015, mkay?