27 June 2013


My fearless leader,

You must congratulate Giddy for me on his Spending Review. Did he do that all by himself? Bless him.

I really like how you boys are making our plight here in the UK seem much less of a big deal by adopting this whole idea of a “global race”. By using that phrase again and again, you are so cleverly taking the emphasis off how badly we’re doing by comparing it to how badly other countries are doing. Ooh, have I discovered a new rule in the Tory handbook? – when things are going badly, stand next to a very short person to feel better about yourself. You see, George mentioned China and India when he talked about competing in the global race. Did you know that the average weekly wage in India is about a hundred pounds? Pff. We’re winning by a mile! Go England! What a great philosophy. You may have not had a pay rise in three years, or you may have be one of the four and half thousand people in the armed forces that just got made redundant, but someone somewhere else in the world is having a much worse time than you. People really do need things to be put into perspective for them, don’t you think?

On looking a bit more at the spending review, I was a little gobsmacked at the new cap on benefits. Gobsmacked in a good way – I mean had George come up with that even last year, there would’ve been uproar. But now: absolutely and totally not a big deal. What a win! Capping benefits means putting a cash sum limit on what can be paid out. So, if, by the end of the spending period, there was a rise in, I don’t know, say traffic accidents, or business closures, or if there was a terrorist attack, or God forbid, some sort of emergency at Starbucks, and loads of people lost their jobs or their legs or both, and the welfare budget had already been spent – well then that would be too bad. They’d have to go hungry and homeless because there’s just nothing left in the kitty! Britain needs to live within its means. We can only spend what we’ve got. I mean, it’s not like budgets can just be allowed to balloon without limit – not for something like welfare. I mean it’s not the important stuff like that £100,000 for three months’ worth of tea and biscuits, (imagine running out of Jaffa Cakes on a Monday morning, doesn’t bear thinking about) or that HS2 railway budget overshooting by a paltry €10bn.

And the cap is all fine because your Ed MiniCameron publicly announced he would implement one himself should he come to power. Come to think of it, the help you’ve received from the Lib Dems and from Labour has really been invaluable these last few years. Without them, you really wouldn’t be where you are now. Please thank them for me when you get the chance. After all, you really are all in this together.

Katy Anchant


26 June 2013


My gorgeous, shining Head,

It’s been reported that you’re already making plans for sole government should Nick begin making plans to leave the Coalition. Apparently, should you and Clegg ‘divorce’, then you get to keep the house and kids. Well, it is only fair. You are Prime Minister, after all. But apparently, even if Nick decides to leave, it is still unlikely he would withdraw his support for austerity which, even after years of pretty decisive proof that it hasn’t worked, would be like him still paying maintenance. I thought it a bit unusual that should the Coalition fail you just get handed the keys like that. One would think there would be another election or something, but hey, no-one voted for Gordon Brown. Come to think of it, you yourself only managed 36% of the vote last time. It’s a good job the system is so utterly warped in your favour. Hee hee.

I’m also glad to still see your Ed on the ‘opposition’ party supporting the Tory plans for the new budget cuts in 2015. It means that no matter whether it’s Labour or the Conservatives in power after election night, your policies will just continue as planned and the only difference will be whether it’s done with you in Whitehall or with you on a beach in the Seychelles.

Already, the pay freezes and job cuts heading up to 2015, according to calculations, will drive some 180,000 children of public sector parents into poverty which would really help to drive the transfer of wealth from public to private hands, for the good of all. Well, at least for the good of all big business. Hooray for you.

And what’s with all the fuss about you having a ‘vanity photographer’? You’re David Cameron! People should be following you around with cameras constantly. I’d stalk you any day. 😉 Do give them the night off when you have me round though, won’t you darling.

Katy Anchant

25th June 2013


My millionaire shortbread,

Darling, I really am starting to think you don’t love me. I understand that you have the economy to think about and that government departments are being asked to take 8 – 10% cuts, but with just one department spending over £100,000 on tea and biscuits in just three months, I think you could at least give me some paltry position in your Cabinet. In my opinion, I fear you may have been ripped off. That’s a lot to pay for tea and biscuits. Even M&S tea and biscuits. I could halve that bill at least. I’m sure there’s a Poundland not too far away from Whitehall.

Incidentally, it was Andrew Lansley’s department, former Secretary of Health, responsible for that bill. It’s a good job he’s no longer Secretary of Health – he’s Leader of the House of Commons. Jeremy Hunt – the man in the middle of the scandal involving the illegal activity that facilitated Rupert Murdoch’s takeover of BskyB – well, he became the new Health Secretary.

I’m so glad you don’t let these little misdemeanours get in the way of your friends’ careers. After all, everyone makes a mistake now and again. The British Medical Association aren’t so forgiving unfortunately, and have just passed a motion of no confidence in poor Jeremy. Well, you can’t blame them. It’s an instinctual reaction by them at having being told how much of a shit job they’re doing time and time again. In retaliation, (and in private) they call Jeremy Hunt something rather derogatory – but at least it rhymes.

You know, I think I would be most useful to you – as I’ve said before – in a more morale-boosting, entertaining-type way. The current MPs that you get to entertain are so far doing a very poor job. Just yesterday, Tory MP for Immigration, Mark Harper, broke his foot whilst trying to table-dance. I do realise you’re trying to save money, darling, but really, I wouldn’t charge that much and I’m sure I’d look a lot better in a thong than Mark.

Do think about it, my lovely.

Katy Anchant

24th June 2013


24th June 2013

My favourite spicy dip,

I hope you had a wonderful weekend and you weren’t too unsettled about the 40 new bills tabled by a bunch of rebel MPs in your ranks. I must say, darling, that if you haven’t read them already, you absolutely must. It’s not just entertaining reading, it’s like reading a Tory version of Utopia. If even half of these new bills were to be passed, the Conservatives would render UKIP entirely insignificant having absorbed their entire manifesto.

There’s only a couple of bills I don’t agree with in the bunch, including the bill that calls for the publication of the nationalities of all benefit claimants, because, if this was allowed, it would become suddenly obvious that British nationals are five times more likely to claim benefits than foreign nationals and the purpose of it would backfire, however the others make a staggering amount of common sense.

Among my favourites are: BBC Privatisation: because as it stands at the moment, the BBC have a duty to provide an unbiased and diverse range of programming (cough) – this bill would free the corporation of such ridiculous restrictions; the Government Departments bill which would close down the Welsh Office, the Scottish Office and the Northern Ireland Office as they are just only countries and certainly don’t justify having their own departments; and by the same token the bill to abolish the Department for Energy and Climate Change as it serves “no adequate purpose”; also – and this IS sensible – the shutting down of the Office of Deputy Prime Minister. Why does he even need an office? Or even a secretary! All he does is radio shows. Give him an iPhone and a scheduling app and he’s all set! And what about Margaret Thatcher Day: an inspired idea. the bill put forward that would name the August bank holiday in honour of our greatest peace-time leader, God rest her soul. And there’s more: an Asylum Seekers bill that would send all asylum seekers back to their closest safe country. I mean, we don’t want them. I’m sure they’d be welcome anywhere else. Also the bill that would bring back National Service: it’d save some money as we wouldn’t have to pay them and also new recruits would immediately come off the unemployed statistics! Win, win! And what genius: the School Governing Bodies (Adverse Weather Conditions) Bill that would encourage head teachers to keep schools open in instances of heavy ice or snow. Hurrah. There’s nothing worse than bloody kids keeping you away from the office just because the teachers want a snow day. And, as well as the call for the return of the death penalty, and the withdrawal from the European Convention on Human Rights, here’s my absolute, absolute favourite: the Sexual Impropriety in Employment Bill that would limit claims by employees of sexual impropriety to criminal offenses only. This means you could finally give me a job as your PA and there’d be no danger of you ever getting into trouble for groping me or asking for sexual favours in your parliamentary chambers. Not that you would of course, you decent, upstanding Member of Parliament. Tee hee.

Do give these bills the once over, my love. You never know.

Katy Anchant

19th June 2013


19th June 2013

My favourite Head Boy,

I’m going to be quick today because I’m going to try and meet up with a few friends this morning, who, although aren’t your biggest fans, just can’t stop talking about you. You actually may be the most talked about politician since the Iron Lady herself. They still actually think I’m a similar loony lefty and think these letters are sarcastic despite my never-ending declarations of love and devotion. How absurd.

After a quick scan of the news, I was fairly surprised to see Giddy coming down so hard on the bankers especially after being the only voice of opposition in the EU when it came to capping their bonuses. He and everyone else in Parliament seems to be backing the report that calls for tougher measures for bankers found guilty of misconduct, from withholding of bonuses to jail time. I do tend to agree to be honest. But I do understand also, that as long as the blame for the cuts that are killing thousands and leaving millions in poverty, is being blamed on the state of the economy, and the state of the economy is being blamed on the bankers (oh, and Labour), it should help take the emphasis off yourself and your loyal disciples for the lack of economic growth and the destruction of the welfare state.

You see, violating human rights through slave labour; the taxing of the vulnerable and poor to the point of homelessness; the withdrawal of vital help for the sick through unfair work assessments; the replacement of our needs-based health service to a profits-based one – darling, these are all forgivable – indeed necessary – actions to bring up the overall standard of living for the people who aren’t already lost causes and can be helped. Bankers that engage in questionable activities that cause banks to lose money and shareholders to lose dividends, well their fate should be no less than the guillotine.

It is a good thing though, that despite these measures on individual bankers and calls for more restraint on banker rewards, we still have a banking culture in which a single bank like Barclays can have 400 executives on £1 million salaries, and countries like Japan are woefully behind by having just 300 similarly-paid executives in the entire country. We truly are ahead in the global race.

But it stands to reason that a bonus should be indicative of the product of the company. A bank makes money, therefore bonuses are paid in pounds sterling. Similarly, Gregg’s on the high street makes bread and snacks, therefore an exceptional employee should be rewarded in pasties or at least a sausage roll.

By the way, you are a meanie telling everyone how you’d gone for an early morning swim in the lake but won’t let anyone see the pictures. But you’ll let me won’t you? If you drop them in my inbox, I’ll send you a little something back, I promise. 😉

Katy Anchant

18th June 2013


18th June 2013

My daily cream pie,

I turned on the news this morning to be rewarded with your relaxed, almost out-of-a-catalogue, casually-attired, yet superiorly parliamentary presence as you joined other world leaders for the G8 summit. I’m glad they made everybody ditch the ties. To be honest, George looks like a bit of a stalker with a tie. (Don’t tell him I said that.) And forgive me for noticing, but you were also a few pounds heavier. I heard that in some African countries, the wealth of a man is regularly gleaned from the girth of his wife’s body. Of course, having a large woman accompany you would never really do in western culture, so it’s only natural that you ought to carry a little extra ‘gravitas’ about your person. I’ve also been noticing the development of the extra chin on Nick and George too. It must be difficult keeping up a regular balanced diet when you attend so many damn business lunches. I mean, how do you tell the President of Russia that you’ve already eaten?

Food is actually one of the few things that didn’t go up in price since May despite higher than expected inflation. It stands to reason though, that if fewer people can now afford it, the price should stay put or even go down. This is what people don’t see – the sacrifice of the impoverished minority actually helps the majority keep money in their pockets. These are the tough decisions that you must make my darling, I know, and I feel for you. As anyone at the DWP will tell you, there are targets that need to be met. With one million out-of-work benefit claimants needing to be sanctioned by the end of the year and an additional two million by the end of next year (don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone that these targets actually exist), compassion and humanity cannot get in the way. One rather disillusioned Atos medical contractor said this about the company: “It is without doubt the most incompetent, inefficient and uncaring organisation with which I have ever been involved”. He’s missing the point here. The job of the DWP and Atos is not to care, it is actually to NOT care, otherwise targets will be missed, the disabled will continue to sponge off the state, and food prices would sky-rocket.

I’ve also heard that the cull is going to really accelerate come October with the national introduction of Universal Credit. Every recipient will have to sign up to a ‘Claimant Commitment’, which, if they are not severely disabled, would mean a 24-35hr per week commitment to either look for work, or work for free or be sanctioned. This would mean a whole plethora of new reasons to sanction: e.g. not affording to get the bus into town; in order to use the PC in the library that now charges a fee for net access; not being computer literate (as 31% of the poorest families in this country have never used a computer); not dropping a CV into all of the local shops every day (even though there may be only two shops in the village); or being too sick one day to sign in at the Jobcentre. All could lead to withdrawal of benefits for up to three years! An actual death sentence for the most vulnerable, but I suppose it wouldn’t really be acceptable to call it that. And when the cull is over, and you’re no longer in power, (which wouldn’t be a bad thing, darling, I mean Tony Blair has made a cool £80 million since stepping down as PM), the country will be that much leaner and full of the cream of human society and less of the bad milk. My hero.

Katy Anchant

17th June 2013


17th June 2013

My right honourable gentle man,

Darling, I think your Ed MiniCameron needs a little more support. Your bot is facing a bit of a backlash by adopting Tory rhetoric on welfare because a new Labour-sponsored report is denying benefit fraud is a serious problem at all or that welfare spending is out of control – two key untruths that you’ve both been clinging to in order to dismantle the welfare state.

The report is ominously entitled “Exposing the Myths of Welfare”, and mentions, among other things, that, far from being out of control, in the period before the recession, spending on benefits was in the longest period of stability since the introduction of the welfare state and only at 10.4% of GDP, a lot lower than the mid-nineties where it was around 12%. It also found that the amount believed to be lost to benefit fraud was around £1 billion but the weight of this problem is insignificant when compared to the amount lost in tax evasion which is believed to be about £70 billion. It’s a tiresome read. For instance, in order to expel the myth that people on benefits are somehow better off than those working, it states that “a single person working 30 hours a week at the National Minimum Wage would be £2,270 a year better off than on benefits – an income gain of 66%”; to expel the myths expounded by the tabloid press on how the country is being drained by large families: apparently families with more than five children account for only 1% of out-of-work benefit claims; and to address the myth of the families with generations of “worklessness”, the research was unable to uncover any evidence of a culture of worklessness among families and where there existed two generations of out of work people, (e.g. a father and a son) they were in areas with far fewer jobs.

I realise reports like this get published from time to time but each time, worryingly, more and more people seem to read them. The problem, you see, is freedom of the internet. I’m glad you are beginning the rhetoric on tighter internet controls using a clampdown on online pornography as your stated aim. To be honest, when my husband was first introduced to the internet, he had no idea it could be used for anything OTHER than using Google to look for pictures of boobs. (I know you would never be like that darling.) But it has been reported that you’ve said that you fear when any of your three children “grab hold of the iPad” because they risk seeing obscene images. My love, here’s a tip, set your browser to private and shut down the app before you turn it off.

I do hope, though, that you still keep my perfumed letters in your secret drawer and if you need a little something more, just let me know and I can set up another little photo shoot. 😉

Katy Anchant