My fearless leader,
You must congratulate Giddy for me on his Spending Review. Did he do that all by himself? Bless him.
I really like how you boys are making our plight here in the UK seem much less of a big deal by adopting this whole idea of a “global race”. By using that phrase again and again, you are so cleverly taking the emphasis off how badly we’re doing by comparing it to how badly other countries are doing. Ooh, have I discovered a new rule in the Tory handbook? – when things are going badly, stand next to a very short person to feel better about yourself. You see, George mentioned China and India when he talked about competing in the global race. Did you know that the average weekly wage in India is about a hundred pounds? Pff. We’re winning by a mile! Go England! What a great philosophy. You may have not had a pay rise in three years, or you may have be one of the four and half thousand people in the armed forces that just got made redundant, but someone somewhere else in the world is having a much worse time than you. People really do need things to be put into perspective for them, don’t you think?
On looking a bit more at the spending review, I was a little gobsmacked at the new cap on benefits. Gobsmacked in a good way – I mean had George come up with that even last year, there would’ve been uproar. But now: absolutely and totally not a big deal. What a win! Capping benefits means putting a cash sum limit on what can be paid out. So, if, by the end of the spending period, there was a rise in, I don’t know, say traffic accidents, or business closures, or if there was a terrorist attack, or God forbid, some sort of emergency at Starbucks, and loads of people lost their jobs or their legs or both, and the welfare budget had already been spent – well then that would be too bad. They’d have to go hungry and homeless because there’s just nothing left in the kitty! Britain needs to live within its means. We can only spend what we’ve got. I mean, it’s not like budgets can just be allowed to balloon without limit – not for something like welfare. I mean it’s not the important stuff like that £100,000 for three months’ worth of tea and biscuits, (imagine running out of Jaffa Cakes on a Monday morning, doesn’t bear thinking about) or that HS2 railway budget overshooting by a paltry €10bn.
And the cap is all fine because your Ed MiniCameron publicly announced he would implement one himself should he come to power. Come to think of it, the help you’ve received from the Lib Dems and from Labour has really been invaluable these last few years. Without them, you really wouldn’t be where you are now. Please thank them for me when you get the chance. After all, you really are all in this together.