29th May 2013


29th May 2013

My little carrot cake,

Just when I thought you’d run out of things to privatise, you go and surprise me again, you veritable feast of inspiration you. Apparently, privatising the UK law courts is set to save the Treasury a billion pounds. Of course, having the courts of law in the hands of private interests may not sit well with everybody but personally, I welcome the day the magistrates have to pay for their own spot in the car park, and I would definitely want to be there when a murder defendant is led up the court steps only to be told that court is closed for a private party. Or how about the prospect of getting some Starbucks and court-themed shops inside the newly sold-off buildings, where you could buy coffee while perusing shelves of novelty handcuffs and little bobblehead OJ Simpsons? What fun.

And another stroke of absolute genius: you’ve managed to somehow turn a random attack on a man in the street by a crazed lunatic, into an argument for the resurrection of your defeated Communications Data Bill, which would give law enforcement access to all Britons’ online communication and web browsing history. (What better way at keeping an eye on the laptavists, eh?)

And about time too. It’s a near certainty that this attack could have been prevented from happening had the police had knowledge of his internet activities in the preceding days, as he must’ve undoubtedly discussed murdering someone over Facebook. Even if he hadn’t, I’m sure his internet search history, which probably included “cheap machetes”, “weather in Woolwich next week” and “fat mature women in thongs” would’ve been enough to have him arrested. He might even have set up his own Facebook Event entitled, “I’m about to kill someone in the street in the name of Allah, innit”, maybe even sending out invites just in case people wanted to gather and tweet a few pictures. Yay, you get a thumbs up from Labour for the ‘snooping charter’, defeat for the Lib Dems and a fresh wave of xenophobia and all at the cost of the manipulation of one man’s horrific murder. Bargain.

Better get that bill in soon though, darling. You need to help poor Iain out with all this online petition nonsense. Someone told me that these petitions were pointless and nothing ever comes of them, but poor IDS now has to go before the work and pensions select committee because of some petition objecting to his misuse of statistics, which some 97,000 people have now signed. How irritating. Imagine, a member of parliament having to be held to account. I thought you would’ve done away with all that by now, my love. Still, maybe you can quickly dissolve that committee before Glenda Jackson gets a chance to let rip at Baldy. Ooh, you could make that a Parliament TV Pay-Per-View! See how I’m always looking out for you, my love?

Katy Anchant


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