21st May 2013


21st May 2013

My dearest Sugar Puff,

I know you really don’t want to upset anybody, least of all ex-Tory chairman Norman Tebbit, who thinks that your recent amendments to legislation are potentially opening the floodgates to lesbian royalty; artificially inseminated heirs to the throne, and fathers marrying their own sons to escape inheritance tax, and while I fear he may be right (said nobody ever), I don’t think you should give in to the Tory naysayers. You are doing a fine job, darling. While it has fortuitously taken some heat away from George (what happened to him, by the way?) and his vain flogging of the economy with his austerity whip, I’m glad that you’re also making headway on the continued campaign against our public services in order to justify handing them over to private companies.

I noticed a few days ago a report commissioned by the government that came to the conclusion we have to slash spending on our fire service citing that incidents of fire have decreased, therefore so should the protection against it. Well, of course. It’s only logical if you ask me, darling. Using the same rationale (spending money on things we really don’t need): there hasn’t been a case of polio in the UK in over a decade yet we continue to spend money on its prevention? Or what about the army? No-one’s declared war on England yet we continue to spending money on submarines, tanks and soldiers? And what about old people? They’re no contribution to society yet make up the majority of welfare spending. What’s that all about?

And while the report actually indicated reforming and redistributing, and not just slashing the fire service, you can probably ignore those particular recommendations, just like you’ve done with the Francis Report on the NHS (that mentioned the word “staffing” 248 times yet it wasn’t even mentioned once in the response to it).

But you will have to work a little harder on the bashing of our school system, I’m afraid, as I don’t think people are quite getting it, seeing as our education system is still very much the envy of the world and that grades have just gone up and up year on year (up until last year when GCSE grades dropped because Michael decided to move the goalposts). But I’m sure you’ll think of something. And please try to keep a leash on poor Pob (I mean, Michael), as I don’t think him citing statistics taken from the intellectual giants of UKTV Gold come off well on you my love. While I understand the need to keep the genetically challenged around you to highlight your golden features, my angel, I do think it’s probably best they don’t get too above their station.

Night night, my love. I’ll be picturing you in a fireman’s outfit in my dreams tonight.

Katy Anchant


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