14th May 2013

14th May 2013

Chairman of My Board,

I know it seems like it’s all crumbling before your eyes, my darling. What with a Tory rebellion directly opposing your authority and UKIP taking away more of your seats, this may seem like an unwinnable situation. But I’m here to tell you, darling, it’s not. There is hope. The people will always come round. They will. People are stupid that way.

I know that sounds a bit mean, but history has taught us time and time again that elections are merely popularity contests won by charismatic speakers – Adolf Hitler to name but one. Hell, George Bush Jr. even won an election (allegedly) and he could hardly speak English.

Sometimes democracy can be a right pain in the bum if you ask me, but what it does mean is that the rulers of the country get decided by the majority. One only needs to take a quick look at a popular magazine or ‘newspaper’ to know that the majority are an easily led bunch who will respond fairly predictably to stimuli. Take The Sun, for instance, whose readership have been historically made up of the poorer working classes. You’ve implemented policies and cuts that hit them the hardest of all, and do they complain? Hell, no. They love you and blame each other for their miserable lives. And when they don’t see an improvement, they blame the foreigners and then line up to vote for the even more hardline UKIP. It’s a bit like deciding the rod being used to beat them isn’t quite big enough. See? People are stupid that way.

So there is hope. Get behind that referendum. Tell the people what they want to hear. It’s not like you have to fulfil any of those promises, right? And when The Sun are back behind you, as they have by far the largest readership of any UK newspaper, followed in second place by the Daily Mail (what did I say? people are stupid), there’ll be your handsome visage next to the unfortunate genetic mishaps of Farage and Milliband and there’ll be no contest. No contest whatsoever.

I’m counting on you, my love.

Katy Anchant


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