13th May 2013
My darling lemon pie,
I’m so excited about the prospect of finally joining the “strivers”. This inevitability is due to my work capability assessment being just around the corner. Yay. And even if some bizarre million-to-one event happens and my Atos assessor actually takes into consideration the opinion of my GP in the diagnosis that I indeed do have disabilities that affect my finding, carrying out, or maintaining a period of employment, I’ll only get another letter another few months down the line with the date for my next assessment – which is why I’ve been doing a little research into what I should expect as a Jobseeker.
One thing that did worry me on my research (Google search), was that I would probably be required to carry out my jobsearch using the specially set up government website of Universal JobMatch or be sanctioned if I don’t. My problem with using it is that, although I know IDS has my best interests at heart, the site he set up was really put together by a department that needs to be seen to be offering real opportunities rather than actually offering them. For example, from reading about other people’s experiences, the vast majority of the vacancies offered to them are: a) part time – and of these, most are closed or expired or not real (using agencies that don’t actually exist); b) job vacancies stolen from other sources on the web, unbeknownst to the employers themselves, who therefore have no way of accessing the CVs of anyone applying through the Jobcentre, in fact, they would be oblivious to all applications from the site; c) entirely inappropriate for the their skillset, their application wouldn’t even be considered by the advertising employer or; d) a hundred and fifty seven miles away.
But you’ll give me a job, won’t you darling? I can iron for about 20 minutes before I need an extended sit-down. (I don’t do socks). I have my own cleaning outfit (but also have a nurse’s one if you prefer). And my usual fee is a modest £120,000 per year, depending of course on whatever extra duties you’d need me to perform. And I’m very flexible. Please do think long and hard, darling.