8th May 2013
My Million Dollar Man,
I’m always so buoyed by your reverent head on my box in the morning. Such a fine chin and solid Parliamentary walk you have – made even more so by the duck-like gait of poor Ed next to you. I saw you make a good show for the cameras, pretending to have an animated discussion while making your way back to the Commons. I’m no expert lip reader but I could swear from your expressive hand gestures that you boys were talking about the merits of a firm backside.
I am glad that the issues dominating the Queen’s speech and the State Opening included the major day to day things that are really affecting the lives of ordinary people – like; the lifting of regulations on businesses (I can’t tell you how many nights I’ve sat up worrying over how UK’s employers are burdened with rules and regulations over employee’s rights and people’s safety and whatnot); the means for businesses to protect their intellectual property (another major issue – I mean, one has to protect one’s investments, right?); the toughening of our immigration policy so that the foreigners can’t take advantage of our incredibly generous welfare system and NHS (which, if enforced will mean, for the first time in UK history payment upfront for medical treatment, three cheers); increasing the size of our reserve forces (well of course, to make up for the thousands of personnel you’ve already fired); increasing commercial competition for water (well if the Third World are doing it, we ought to too!); and there’s the Energy Bill that, among other things, is designed to ensure there is always enough capacity to generate the amount of electricity the UK needs (though also grants powers to companies to turn off your fridge without notice in times of national shortage).
I for one, am glad that regular debates are held to discuss the ‘other’ things, the present but not-so-important things like: the effect of the welfare reforms on the sick and disabled (another one dead, 30-year old father, with a life-threatening blood disease, signed off sick from work, had his benefits stopped two and a half months ago, killed himself yesterday); the cost of living (one in five of us now use borrowed money, credit cards or savings regularly to buy food); and child poverty (the latest statistics show that one in four children will be living in relative poverty by 2020 as a direct result of the reforms) – because the debates make people believe that you’re a caring, compassionate man who is actually hearing this stuff, who is listening and doing something about it, when in reality, you are only one man, my love. You can’t do everything. Stick to the important stuff. Like allowing people to switch their water supplier.
Keep on keeping on, my darling.