7th May 2013
Poor Nigel Evans. What a terrible crime to be accused of. Thank goodness our very own Andrew Mitchell has come to his defence and reminded us all that in this beautiful verdant land the accused are innocent until proven guilty. Well, sort of. It does apply in criminal cases, but not if you’re on the sick, where you are most definitely guilty until proven innocent. It really is a good thing that our legal system isn’t run by Atos. Can you just imagine the legal process to determine if a person is guilty of rape?
“Do you have a penis?”
“Are you able to achieve an erection?”
“Can you show me?”
“It’s a semi, but that’ll do. Zero points.”
“Is your physical strength good?”
“Can you stand unaided?”
“Have you any violent sexual fantasies?”
“Five points. I’m sorry, but you haven’t scored the necessary 15 points to prove your innocence.”
Actually, wow, that would be the best crime deterrent ever. If you were going to offer Atos contracts for extending their use into the criminal justice system (over and above the £3.1 billion that they’ve already been given in other government contracts), don’t contract them until after our Nige has been found innocent.
If that system were ever implemented and you should, God forbid, ever be accused of such things, I would be more than happy to offer my services as an assessor. I’ve had 26 days training as a legal secretary so am more than qualified.