2nd May 2013

http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/britains-richest-mp-richard-benyon-1855405

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/sun_says/4508014/The-Sun-says-NHS-mess.html

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2287216/Revealed-One-UKs-companies-pay-tax.html

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2013/apr/24/number-people-food-banks-triples

3rd May 2013

Delicious Dave,

Local council elections today! My own area isn’t affected unfortunately, but I am with you and the boys in spirit, my love. However, you can rest assured knowing my borough is already being looked after by one of yours, who, although he voted against you on the whole gay marriage thing, is still a fabulous Tory with fabulous hair.

Darling, I’m sorry to have to be the one to let you know, but The Sun seem to have abandoned you in your hour of need. (Though I wouldn’t worry, they haven’t swung Left – far from it – they think you’re not Tory ENOUGH). Their advice to people: you can’t trust any of the big four, (counting UKIP now, who’d’ve thunk it) and people should vote locally on the strength of their individual policies. They suggest people read the leaflets (who’d’ve thunk THAT).

It’s such a shame that people can’t see past their own selfish wants to understand the prudent and tough decisions you and your party have made, which, admittedly haven’t helped the UK economy, or the debt, or the standard of living (at least not for the plebs anyway), but your heart was certainly in the right place. Were people not moved by the words of gentle encouragement you’ve given to the rich to do their part? – like Iain saying that millionaire pensioners should be encouraged to give back the money they don’t need; that UK corporations should be encouraged to pay tax, (is that not the epitome of altruism?) and Richard Benyon (recently named The Times richest MP) giving sage advice to the masses about saving money through careful fridge management.

Apparently – and I didn’t know this – we lose an average of £50 each month because of not wrapping food properly and throwing away leftovers. Imagine darling, if he had come out with this advice earlier, perhaps the usage of food banks wouldn’t have tripled in the last year.  If only I had known to wrap cheese up after opening it, I could have saved millions by now.  Incidentally, I do have a great tip for using up left over mashed potato.  If you put it in the fridge it gets quite hard, and is absolutely fabulous for throwing at Labour voters.

Katy Anchant

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