1st May 2013
My darling Dave,
I think it’s so amazing how you think up new and exciting ways to make money for yourself and your chums while in office. Why not? You’re Prime Minister after all.
Now there’s a “psychometric test” being rolled out to Jobseekers, (on pain of sanctioning if not completed), being championed and overseen by none other than Your Shininess himself. It asks for reactions to statements like: “I never go out of my way to visit museums,” and: “I have not created anything of beauty in the last year.” No, this isn’t a test for people’s suitability for role of MP, its advertised purpose is to make Jobseekers aware of their strengths and to boost their confidence, but don’t you think, darling, it would’ve been better if it was an actual test, and not just a transparently money-spinning scheme? Because in reality, people who have taken the test have found that if they just click on the same answer over and over they can get exactly the same result as another person who answered completely differently. It has also been claimed by officials that in trials, jobseekers who took the test were 15-20% more likely to come off JSA after 13 weeks. It would have been a valid conclusion to make if it wasn’t for the fact that the average time a person actually spends on JSA is 13 weeks.
The man at the head of the unit that came up with the test is on £100,000 and your Cabinet Office “nudge unit”, or so it’s called, is holding a competition to find a commercial partner to make some proper dosh out of it. You innovative genius, you.
Now, darling, why aren’t I on a hundred grand yet? I’m sure I can come up with something – like a test you could sell to schools that can measure the likelihood of children becoming Tory. Or gay. Or a test to conclusively prove that 8 out of 10 disability benefit claimants are secretly playing golf. Have a think on it darling. You know I would use my salary to buy you pretty things. It’s yet another win/win.