29th May 2013

http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/crime/10083214/Courts-may-be-privatised-to-save-Ministry-of-Justice-1bn.html
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-22673156
http://www.newstatesman.com/politics/2013/05/duncan-smith-face-grilling-mps-over-misuse-statistics
http://www.change.org/en-GB/petitions/work-pensions-committee-hold-ids-to-account-for-his-use-of-statistics-2

29th May 2013

My little carrot cake,

Just when I thought you’d run out of things to privatise, you go and surprise me again, you veritable feast of inspiration you. Apparently, privatising the UK law courts is set to save the Treasury a billion pounds. Of course, having the courts of law in the hands of private interests may not sit well with everybody but personally, I welcome the day the magistrates have to pay for their own spot in the car park, and I would definitely want to be there when a murder defendant is led up the court steps only to be told that court is closed for a private party. Or how about the prospect of getting some Starbucks and court-themed shops inside the newly sold-off buildings, where you could buy coffee while perusing shelves of novelty handcuffs and little bobblehead OJ Simpsons? What fun.

And another stroke of absolute genius: you’ve managed to somehow turn a random attack on a man in the street by a crazed lunatic, into an argument for the resurrection of your defeated Communications Data Bill, which would give law enforcement access to all Britons’ online communication and web browsing history. (What better way at keeping an eye on the laptavists, eh?)

And about time too. It’s a near certainty that this attack could have been prevented from happening had the police had knowledge of his internet activities in the preceding days, as he must’ve undoubtedly discussed murdering someone over Facebook. Even if he hadn’t, I’m sure his internet search history, which probably included “cheap machetes”, “weather in Woolwich next week” and “fat mature women in thongs” would’ve been enough to have him arrested. He might even have set up his own Facebook Event entitled, “I’m about to kill someone in the street in the name of Allah, innit”, maybe even sending out invites just in case people wanted to gather and tweet a few pictures. Yay, you get a thumbs up from Labour for the ‘snooping charter’, defeat for the Lib Dems and a fresh wave of xenophobia and all at the cost of the manipulation of one man’s horrific murder. Bargain.

Better get that bill in soon though, darling. You need to help poor Iain out with all this online petition nonsense. Someone told me that these petitions were pointless and nothing ever comes of them, but poor IDS now has to go before the work and pensions select committee because of some petition objecting to his misuse of statistics, which some 97,000 people have now signed. How irritating. Imagine, a member of parliament having to be held to account. I thought you would’ve done away with all that by now, my love. Still, maybe you can quickly dissolve that committee before Glenda Jackson gets a chance to let rip at Baldy. Ooh, you could make that a Parliament TV Pay-Per-View! See how I’m always looking out for you, my love?

Katy Anchant

24th May 2013

24th May 2013

My Pink Macaroon,

It seems every day people are fighting back against IDS and his welfare reforms. Just yesterday, I read that two people have won legal claims to say the Work Capability Assessments discriminate unfairly against the mentally ill. I think it might be time to do your magic again and use your retrospective legislation thingy to make it okay to take advantage of the poor buggers like you did with the legal challenge on workfare.

Unfortunately, with about a third of claimants on ESA appeals suffering from mental illness this might have dire consequences on your clampdown of the workshy fakers and that simply can’t be allowed to happen. The jobless lifestyle has been so ingrained on some members of society that they would rather die than have to work. And it’s become an epidemic. About 32 people a week, according to some estimates, die after failing the WCA. And some of these activists who can’t rely on their weak hearts to make a statement have to rely on other means, like stepping out in front of fast-moving traffic.

Perhaps you heard about Stephanie Bottrill. 53. Disabled. It would have been fine had she just gone away quietly to die, but no, she has to blame the Bedroom Tax. Ludicrous if you ask me. They offered her a smaller property (albeit miles and miles from friends and family and thirty minutes walk away from the nearest bus stop) but she just refused to take it. Personally, I think she died just to spite you. Though, on the upside, now there’s a vacant property that can be taken off social housing and sold to the highest bidder. Yay.

I don’t know what the fuss is all about, to be honest. I don’t understand how some people would rather be dead than be homeless. If enough people thought like that, then you can expect suicide on a national scale when Universal Credit gets fully implemented. Under the new system, as you know, housing payments stop going directly to the landlords. In one of the places the trial was being run, rent arrears went up 700%. In fact, in every council where it was trialled, rent arrears soared. Of course, on seeing the results of the trials, landlords all across the country are already sending eviction notices to people on benefits to pre-empt Universal Credit, which inevitably will mean a return to the good old days of Thatcherism; where the poor knew their place – ordinarily a piss-stained doorway in the street. Well, as long as they’re not claiming housing benefit for that doorway, I can’t see what the problem is.

Kiss that bald-headed genius for me and keep up the good work, my lovely lovely man.

Katy Anchant

21st May 2013

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2013/may/21/tebbit-gay-marriage-lesbian-queen
http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-22564390
http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2013/may/13/michael-goves-claim-teenagers-ignorance

21st May 2013

My dearest Sugar Puff,

I know you really don’t want to upset anybody, least of all ex-Tory chairman Norman Tebbit, who thinks that your recent amendments to legislation are potentially opening the floodgates to lesbian royalty; artificially inseminated heirs to the throne, and fathers marrying their own sons to escape inheritance tax, and while I fear he may be right (said nobody ever), I don’t think you should give in to the Tory naysayers. You are doing a fine job, darling. While it has fortuitously taken some heat away from George (what happened to him, by the way?) and his vain flogging of the economy with his austerity whip, I’m glad that you’re also making headway on the continued campaign against our public services in order to justify handing them over to private companies.

I noticed a few days ago a report commissioned by the government that came to the conclusion we have to slash spending on our fire service citing that incidents of fire have decreased, therefore so should the protection against it. Well, of course. It’s only logical if you ask me, darling. Using the same rationale (spending money on things we really don’t need): there hasn’t been a case of polio in the UK in over a decade yet we continue to spend money on its prevention? Or what about the army? No-one’s declared war on England yet we continue to spending money on submarines, tanks and soldiers? And what about old people? They’re no contribution to society yet make up the majority of welfare spending. What’s that all about?

And while the report actually indicated reforming and redistributing, and not just slashing the fire service, you can probably ignore those particular recommendations, just like you’ve done with the Francis Report on the NHS (that mentioned the word “staffing” 248 times yet it wasn’t even mentioned once in the response to it).

But you will have to work a little harder on the bashing of our school system, I’m afraid, as I don’t think people are quite getting it, seeing as our education system is still very much the envy of the world and that grades have just gone up and up year on year (up until last year when GCSE grades dropped because Michael decided to move the goalposts). But I’m sure you’ll think of something. And please try to keep a leash on poor Pob (I mean, Michael), as I don’t think him citing statistics taken from the intellectual giants of UKTV Gold come off well on you my love. While I understand the need to keep the genetically challenged around you to highlight your golden features, my angel, I do think it’s probably best they don’t get too above their station.

Night night, my love. I’ll be picturing you in a fireman’s outfit in my dreams tonight.

Katy Anchant

20th May 2013

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-22588954

20th May 2013

My sweet pork bun,

Darling, I’m not hurt that I didn’t hear from you on my birthday yesterday as I know you have a hundred and one things to contend with right now, not least of which is that same-sex marriage bill that’s heading back into the Commons to be debated. And, if you pardon my French, what a pain in the arse.

Half of your party originally voted against it last time and now 34 of your own have written a letter to urge you to withdraw (oo-er). They feel you’ve lost touch with the “grass-roots of Conservatism”. And I, for one darling, must say I agree. You see, this bill represents much farther reaching issues than whether Adam and Steve are allowed a gift list at Habitat. No, this bill represents something a lot bigger; something that the Tories have fought against throughout history: equality.

I’ve said it before, if we were all “equal”, then who is going to make my coffee? Me? Society would come to an absolute standstill. Imagine: teachers not turning up for lessons because they want to be seen as intellectual equals to the supreme cerebral powerhouse that is Michael Gove; or nurses saying they’re not prepared to give one more sponge bath to an invalid until they’re paid at least the same per hour as the vending machine in the hallway.

The world needs coffee, sponge baths and lesson plans. The world needs inequality. With only about 6 percent of the UK population assumed to be gay, this equates to only about 40 MPs. It is hardly going to win back a huge amount of UKIP defectors. You have to ask yourself whether this is a fight you need right now, my love.  I do think you ought to concentrate on more important stuff.

Like what to get me as a belated birthday present. 😉

Katy Anchant

17th May 2013

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/iv-drip/should-grammar-tests-be-part-of-the-school-curriculum-8611653.html

http://www.independent.co.uk/voices/comment/goves-lesson-spare-the-comma-spoil-the-child-8618624.html

17th May 2013

My very special Oxford, comma,

Gosh, I can’t quite make head nor tail of this whole Michael Gove and the Spag test thing.  As far as I can tell it’s terribly old news, but Michael Rosen has been talking about it, or something, and now some chap called Mark Steel has been making fun of it in The Independent.  Or something.

I personally think it’s a marvellous idea to test young children on their knowledge of grammar.  I am regularly given little cards and pictures by my 8-year-old, who is the highest level reader in her year, and my response is usually: “Darling, this is the wrong use of ‘your’, but thank you.  Now throw it away and start again, or you will never amount to anything.”

I do feel the need to confess to you at this point, however, that I have no idea what a conjunctive is, or conjecture, or that pre-whatsit thing, and I would have to admit (see what I did there with that comma?) that I do like the more expressive use of grammar to get across how you’re feeling… (three dots, always.  I do adore a good ellipsis).  You can also do really cool things with grammar, like draw boobs: ( . Y . ) or if you’re drawing mine (after three years of breastfeeding) they look more like this: \./\./

This Spag test – can I have a copy?  See, when I was a kid, as far as I knew, Grammar was what you called your Nan.  I’d be interested to see how I score in it, since I actually left school at 14 years of age.  I found it incredibly boring and people were very mean to me, so I just stopped going.  The truancy officer at the time told me in no uncertain terms that I would become a prostitute. How wrong he was, my darling.  If only he knew that I was destined for such greatness, for I am adored by the best PM ever in history ever.

I digress.  If I scored reasonably well on this Spag thing then I would finally know that I am a valid member of society and indeed my Tory vote is correct for my, err, grammar thing.  If I scored poorly then I would not feel like I am not good enough.  No, I would feel inspired to strive, strive, strive to better myself in readiness for a wonderful life of striving, for grammar is an awesome power, innit.  In this instance, ‘awesome’ is an adjective, you know.

Katy Anchant

14th May 2013

14th May 2013

Chairman of My Board,

I know it seems like it’s all crumbling before your eyes, my darling. What with a Tory rebellion directly opposing your authority and UKIP taking away more of your seats, this may seem like an unwinnable situation. But I’m here to tell you, darling, it’s not. There is hope. The people will always come round. They will. People are stupid that way.

I know that sounds a bit mean, but history has taught us time and time again that elections are merely popularity contests won by charismatic speakers – Adolf Hitler to name but one. Hell, George Bush Jr. even won an election (allegedly) and he could hardly speak English.

Sometimes democracy can be a right pain in the bum if you ask me, but what it does mean is that the rulers of the country get decided by the majority. One only needs to take a quick look at a popular magazine or ‘newspaper’ to know that the majority are an easily led bunch who will respond fairly predictably to stimuli. Take The Sun, for instance, whose readership have been historically made up of the poorer working classes. You’ve implemented policies and cuts that hit them the hardest of all, and do they complain? Hell, no. They love you and blame each other for their miserable lives. And when they don’t see an improvement, they blame the foreigners and then line up to vote for the even more hardline UKIP. It’s a bit like deciding the rod being used to beat them isn’t quite big enough. See? People are stupid that way.

So there is hope. Get behind that referendum. Tell the people what they want to hear. It’s not like you have to fulfil any of those promises, right? And when The Sun are back behind you, as they have by far the largest readership of any UK newspaper, followed in second place by the Daily Mail (what did I say? people are stupid), there’ll be your handsome visage next to the unfortunate genetic mishaps of Farage and Milliband and there’ll be no contest. No contest whatsoever.

I’m counting on you, my love.

Katy Anchant

13th May 2013

http://infoism.co.uk/2013/04/the-experiences-of-one-jobseeker-in-using-universal-jobmatch-a-worrying-sign-for-universal-credit/

13th May 2013

My darling lemon pie,

I’m so excited about the prospect of finally joining the “strivers”. This inevitability is due to my work capability assessment being just around the corner. Yay. And even if some bizarre million-to-one event happens and my Atos assessor actually takes into consideration the opinion of my GP in the diagnosis that I indeed do have disabilities that affect my finding, carrying out, or maintaining a period of employment, I’ll only get another letter another few months down the line with the date for my next assessment – which is why I’ve been doing a little research into what I should expect as a Jobseeker.

One thing that did worry me on my research (Google search), was that I would probably be required to carry out my jobsearch using the specially set up government website of Universal JobMatch or be sanctioned if I don’t. My problem with using it is that, although I know IDS has my best interests at heart, the site he set up was really put together by a department that needs to be seen to be offering real opportunities rather than actually offering them. For example, from reading about other people’s experiences, the vast majority of the vacancies offered to them are: a) part time – and of these, most are closed or expired or not real (using agencies that don’t actually exist); b) job vacancies stolen from other sources on the web, unbeknownst to the employers themselves, who therefore have no way of accessing the CVs of anyone applying through the Jobcentre, in fact, they would be oblivious to all applications from the site; c) entirely inappropriate for the their skillset, their application wouldn’t even be considered by the advertising employer or; d) a hundred and fifty seven miles away.

But you’ll give me a job, won’t you darling? I can iron for about 20 minutes before I need an extended sit-down. (I don’t do socks). I have my own cleaning outfit (but also have a nurse’s one if you prefer). And my usual fee is a modest £120,000 per year, depending of course on whatever extra duties you’d need me to perform. And I’m very flexible. Please do think long and hard, darling.

Katy Anchant