30th April 2013

My rock and my hard place,

Darling, you know how I love to watch Prime Ministers Questions, but it’s not just to see your shiny brow, but it’s to marvel time and time again at the incredible banter. I just think it’s truly amazing how you lads manage to embark on your fab weekly school-boy mashed-potato-food-fight in the dinner hall and at the same time manage to sell the illusion that the only voting influence people will have in future events is who gets to sit where come 2015. And it’s genius the way that you do it too. It’s all in the language. And here, in pleb-speak, is how a typical session would go:

“Everything you do is wrong.”

“Yeah, but you did it first. And you did it wronger.”

“Yeah, but you did it way before that, and even more wrong.”

“You made that up!”

“Your MUM made that up.”

“You’re an idiot.”
“No, YOU’RE an idiot.”

“You’re a bigger idiot.”

“You started it, you idiot.”

“But you got mashed potato on the floor.”

“No, YOU did.  You got it on the floor first and now we have to find a way to clean up the mess that YOU left.”

“Just take the mashed potato from the poor people, you idiot. You smell.”

“Your mashed potato is an idiot.”

“I spit in your mashed potato.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“You smell like fart.”

(And then later in private: “Same time next week?”  “You’re on, and we’re still good for badminton on Sunday, right?”  “Yes, I’ll bring Nick.  We’ll do doubles.”)

Did I mention that I make the most sumptuous creamy mashed potato?  Perfect for throwing at people, don’t you know.

Katy Anchant


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