18th April 2013

18th April 2013

My little breaded mushroom,

It is such a relief that your reverent Maggie has been finally laid to rest. I do understand how the opportunity for a ten million pound party political broadcast was too good an opportunity to miss, but I am glad that there’s more of a chance now of seeing that magnificent head of yours on the news rather than hers.


I understand that George has been told off again by the IMF with yet another slashing of forecasted growth. The chief economist suggested he was “playing with fire”. It really is a shame that austerity measures still seem to be so unpopular but I think it’s because people just don’t understand how important it is that they go without for a while. I think people would get it if it was explained to them in very simple, Poundland-fun-size-pack, pleb terms. I’m no economist, (no more so than Giddy) but I’d like to give it a shot.

I’d tell it like this:  Daddy Banks has the all-important job of making money. While doing this, he happens across a ‘sure thing’ called “property”, an investment that a friend in America is making a lot of money from. He puts a stack of money into this and invites all his friends to do the same.  Unfortunately, the over-stimulating of the sector causes it to balloon out of control making it no longer affordable for anyone, so he loses everything.

Meanwhile, Mummy Cakes is employed by a company who gets all their funding from one of Daddy’s friends. As it’s a lot harder to get money now, and to maximise profit, Mummy’s job has been outsourced to someone in India at a tenth of the cost so now Mummy is out of a job.

Fortunately, though, for everybody, there is a great big fund – which has also been paid into by Mummy and all of her friends, as well as providing wages and support for her family, some of her similarly out-of-work friends, as well as the disabled who are unable to work – and this fund gets used to make sure Daddy Bank’s job is secure and the life that he has become accustomed to doesn’t change. All that’s needed is that Mummy and all of her friends have to make certain sacrifices – not big ones, just little luxuries like Pop Tarts and rent.

But Mummy should be happy because even though Daddy isn’t directly helping anybody else, he is still far more important than she, doing a far more important job than she: making sure that the banks have enough money, so that one day they can feel better about lending money again, which would refill the fund and just make everything better.

See, I’m sure if you told it something like that, people would finally understand. So when the “mess left behind by Labour” line stops working, you can always use my little parable.

Happy to help, my little Pied Piper.

Katy Anchant


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