16th April 2013



16th April 2013

My little choir boy,

It is with a heavy heart that I write to you today, my darling. And although sadness and indignation at the barbarism wrought upon innocent Americans yesterday also haunts my mood, there is something slightly closer to home that I wanted to talk to you about today. I want to talk about Iain.

It is for his future that I worry about, my darling, because should the polls continue as they are and he be out of a job in a couple of years, I believe he may fall foul of his own welfare reforms. With the changes to disability benefits, I do realise how the provision for mental illness has been replaced with an emphasis on the ability to walk further than 50 metres, but I think even under the new criteria, IDS may unfortunately be found not ‘fit for work’.  You see, I have been watching closely, and although his physical abilities seem to not be impaired, I do believe he may be suffering from a rather serious mental condition known as ‘Pseudologia Fantastica’ otherwise known as ‘pathological lying’.

The history of his symptoms can be traced right the way back to his reinstatement in the cabinet but have got exponentially worse in recent weeks. The first of these instances I already wrote to you about – his assertion that he was “not cutting benefits.” I perhaps thought that that would ring a few alarm bells in Parliament, at the least it would move someone to tap him on the shoulder and say “Sir, actually yes, we are actually cutting benefits. We’re cutting just about every single benefit known to man,” but it seems not, as very soon afterwards he was at it again.  He claimed there’d been a huge rise in new Disability Living Allowance claims because people wanted to avoid the new medical assessments when in fact new claims went DOWN;  his next assertion was that the huge rise in benefit spending (down to the massive rise in housing costs) was down to people choosing to stay on benefits when 9 out of 10 new claims for housing benefit are from people already IN work;  he said that a third of Incapacity Benefit claimants had dropped their claims rather than undergo a medical when official figures showed that to be a complete lie; and then he claimed that the benefit cap had already spurred 8,000 to find work, when the report he was quoting from specifically stated that that number was NOT indicative of those affected by the cap.*

While I know this mental illness doesn’t seem so serious, (in fact it’s been mostly advantageous for you) I do believe it is evidence of a deeper instability and I know how much you worry about his shiny little head.

If my health allows, I would love to pop down tomorrow to the funeral to catch a glimpse of your magnificent splendiferous brow. It’s a damn good job the ding-donging has been silenced considering the recent run up the charts for the famous Oz tune. I am so ashamed, darling, but after hearing it for the umpteenth time, from my rather uncouth yobbo friends, I did end up buying it. PLEASE forgive me. It’s just a great song, and I’m sure some other old lady who actually was a right cow HAS died recently (probably a pleb), so it could be about someone else entirely, right?

Katy Anchant

*Font reduction necessary to make room for the rather inordinate number of lies.  Plus, you know, I didn’t want to have to print a whole book out.  I’m trying to save the world here after all, one sheet of paper at a time, and ink is expensive.  And you haven’t sent me a compliment slip yet, so really it’s your fault that the font is so small.  Phone me, mmkay?


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