12th April 2013
Please accept my humblest apologies for not writing to you yesterday. I had a very bad day, with the receipt of my Limited Capability For Work Questionnaire, and also with my house. You see, it’s falling down, always has been since I moved in, and to be honest it really gets me down. The fence has fallen down so I maxed out another credit card to buy new panels, and the tiles have started falling off the wall in the bathroom. Never mind the broken toilet cistern, the sink that’s falling off the wall, the rotten floors and ceiling, the unliveable kitchen and all of the other issues. Frankly Dave, it does get me down a lot. I do have a solution to that problem, however. I will be attending our beloved Margaret’s funeral, and would like to claim £3,750 for expenses pertaining to my attendance. You see, once I’ve spent my ill-gotten benefits on crack, moat cleaning and foreign holidays, there simply isn’t enough left for house renovations.
This would be an ideal way of solving my woes, however, as attending the funeral will actually cost me around £4. I could just pretend I’m travelling back from Jamaica when claiming. I’m sure I’ll make a much better mourner than all of those other MPs, and I will be wearing a black veil and weeping softly into a handkerchief. You need me there, darling. As for these unemployable dross who are celebrating her death, frankly I think you should have the army there with instructions to shoot on sight. I was reading through Stewart Jackson’s reaction to the folk celebrating on Twitter, and I wholeheartedly agree with every word. Can you invite him the next time we lunch? Here, have a screenshot. It’s what we all secretly think but are too polite to say out loud.