6th April 2013

6th April 2013

Sumptuous and divine Dave,

How wonderfully wonderful of you, darling, to stick up for Giddy’s remarks linking the Philpott child killing case to the welfare state. After all, you boys have to stick together. And you’re quite right, the reason why those children died was not because he was a rather unstable ex-con who spent seven years in prison for stabbing his ex-girlfriend 13 times and her mother 11 times (I mean, come on, who hasn’t thought about killing their mother-in-law); or because social services failed to see the danger inherent in a man like that being responsible for so many young lives; but because he wanted a bigger house and more in child benefit. The fact that he already had all his mistresses wages and benefits paid directly into his account and wouldn’t even allow her a house door key showed that he was a rational man acting entirely rationally when he set fire to his own house with his kids inside.

I do wonder though, my love, that perhaps people may find the link between a psychotic man and the welfare state a little tenuous, especially seeing how systems are defrauded and taken advantage of all the time, such as the case of that man last month who killed his parents for the inheritance; or those that torch their own businesses for the insurance; or the various cases of people who try to knock off their spouses for the money; or the little-known Corporate-Owned Life Insurance whereby companies get big pay-offs from employee deaths. One might argue that insurance and inheritance also need parliamentary debate? Or perhaps we could just chalk this one up as a little victory for the brainwashing of the masses and move on.

Hey, and more good news on the financial front – because of tax and benefits changes taking place right now, millionaires like yourself and your buddies will be on average £100,000 better off, the average family about £900 worse off, and the poorest 660,000 plebs on benefits will be about £60 to £80 down a month. I know that sounds like poor headlines for the “precariat”, but Georgie is actually giving back. By raising the personal tax allowance, the basic-rate taxpayer will now be a whole £2.15 per week better off. Almost the price of a bacon roll. And even that’s too generous if you ask me.

While I’m waiting for my own Work Capability Assessment (quivering with anticipation), I was thinking you ought to pop round for breakfast one morning (while I can still afford it) so we can discuss you putting me up in one of your spare rooms? In return I will only ever wear negligees, PVC or leather, and although I do get lots of headaches thanks to my ME, I will never fob you off with that excuse since codeine generally does the trick.

I’ll be here in my knickers waiting for you, sweetcheeks. ❤

Katy Anchant


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