2nd April 2013
My little slug pellet,
I feel so guilty, my darling, so absolutely wretched. You see, yesterday morning when I found out that a petition had been created asking Iain to prove his statement that he could live on £53 a week ‘if he had to’, I shared it with my Facebook friends, who shared it with their Facebook friends, who shared it with their Facebook friends, and before I could even catch my breath they had all signed it.
I hadn’t meant for them to sign it, darling. I had meant for them to look at it and be reminded that this is a country of plebs who, quite frankly, don’t deserve more than £53 a week. So I apologise to you my darling, because I think a few hundred of those signatures may be as a direct result of me and my pleb friends. I can’t explain the other 140,000 who have signed it though. Perhaps they don’t like Iain because they are poorly educated and filled with Proletariat angst. You know, the type who don’t like you or George, either.
Which reminds me, I was moved by George’s little quote saying “this month we will make work pay.” What an inspirational chap he is, and by God, you WILL make work pay. It will pay at least £8,333 this month to any one of the new government employees on £100k jobs whose numbers have doubled since you took office; it will pay the monthly share of £3.1bn to Atos employees for various government contracts; it will pay Iain Duncan Smith about £7,000 this month to do… whatever he does; to those on workfare, it will pay around £1.86 per hour; and to anyone on minimum wage, it will pay AT LEAST £4.98 per hour if you’re 18 – 20, or £6.19 for over 21s. I also hear you’re planning on freezing or even cutting that so that folk have to slave away doing something they despise and still having to claim benefits at the same time just to help pay the rent, but by golly… erm, yes. You will make work pay!
Honestly, can we not just cull these people, like we’re doing to the sick and disabled? *Or send them all to live in France?
*April Fools? I do hope not, as I think Eric may be onto something with that one.