1st April 2013
How absolutely thrillingly exciting! Today all of your wonderful changes come into effect! I was reading about it on The Guardian this morning, and my heart swelled with pride at all of the absolutely amazing things you are doing to get this country back on its feet. Let me tell you, it takes a brave man and his buddies to so boldly take away so many people’s support, leaving them destitute and possibly homeless, and slowly starving to death on Pot Noodles.
Anyway, I’m honestly so bored of talking about these scrounging whinging scrounging feckless scroungers, and besides which, I have a far more pressing matter to bring to your attention. Darling, I’m pregnant. You remember that beautiful night we spent together about three weeks ago, with all of that Parliamentary wine? When you took me roughly over the kitchen counter, and there were all of those biscuits strewn around the place and getting crushed into the carpet at the tax payers’ expense? Yes, that beautiful night, that wonderful night that I will never forget, when you fertilised one of my eggs.
My eggs, David, they are good eggs, and I offered them to you in supplication. I veritably threw my eggs at you, they were practically oozing down the shirt on your back. I’m thinking Damian Cameron David Thatcher Half-Pleb Cameron for a boy, or Margaret Thatcher Half-Proletariat Bianca Cameron for a girl.
I love you so much, my sweet, darling dictator. Happy April Fools’ Day.