12th March 2013
My Peach Flambé,
It seems that everybody these days has got a view on how you should handle the economy. Vince Cable wants you borrowing more. The CBI wants you building more. Liam Fox wants you to stop spending altogether. You’re being pulled left, right and centre, my darling. But I have some good news.
I really didn’t want to add to the cacophony of advice for what Gideon should do in the next Budget in a weeks’ time, but I got a bit of a brainwave, and it simply wouldn’t do for me not to say anything. You see, ever since that manly speech you gave a few days ago on the economy, you said something that got me curious – you said that some people seemed to think that there was some magic money tree, which there “simply isn’t”.
Well, actually, darling, I did some research and it turns out, without trying to sound too silly, that there IS! Get this; money gets created by banks with a computer! Out of thin air. By someone typing numbers on a keyboard! Isn’t it amazing? And what’s more, one of these banks is the Bank of England, and I’m not sure if you realise this, but a sizable proportion of the national debt is actually owed to the Bank of England. Which is owned by the Treasury. Which is owned by the Government. You owe YOURSELF money, my love! 29% of the debt could be written off by merely a press conference, a “duh”” and a slap to the forehead. Not your OWN preternaturally smooth brow, of course, darling, I’d go for Gideon’s, he’s a thoroughbred of course, but far less beautiful than you.
I know I’m no expert, but I’m sure I would make an excellent advisor to Giddy. Do pass on my suggestion, my little fish cake. After all, you know how much the national debt means to people.