11th March 2013
Hi, my little pork chop,
I fear the reprogramming of your “Nick Clegg” has not quite taken full effect. Either that or the real Nick Clegg must’ve escaped his holding facility, because now he’s holding Lib Dem party conferences saying things like, “The longer you stand side by side with your opponents, the easier your differences are to see.” (And he’s not just talking about your slight weight-gain, darling. I have noticed. Perhaps cut down on the biscuits.) And all this coming mere days after your “I’m prepared to roll up my sleeves and have a fight if that’s what it takes.” I know that you were talking about the economy, darling, but still, I must admit I did get quite weak at the knees picturing you putting up your parliamentary ‘dukes’. I know what you Bullingdon boys are like. Oh, so manly, and not without a sense of humour; that initiation ceremony – burning a £50 note in front of a homeless person – so funny.
Perhaps, if you and Nick are going to go head to head, you could have a bake-off. Actually, that’s a fine idea. I’d much rather see that than a debate to be honest. And imagine how much emphasis it would take away from all those 56,000 pleb families who are going to be affected by the benefit cap due to come in force in a couple of weeks. Capping the total amount of money any household can receive at £26,000 nationwide is a genius move, by the way, disproportionately affecting the poor in London, where the cost of rent can be twice as much. It’ll go a long way to getting London’s poor, (who have no right being there in the first place if you ask me) safely away to some high-rise in Liverpool. Keep London tidy. One pleb at a time. That’s my Dave.
Let me know if you need any good recipes, darling. My Sticky Cherry Tart is to die for.