8th March 2013



8th March 2013

My Big Dipper,

Brilliant speech, darling just brilliant. “If we want to look after people with dignity in their old age, we won’t be able to do that if we are squandering billions of pounds on welfare for people who could work but don’t.“ You can just see the lefties scrabbling for their laptops right now, can’t you? I can see why the BBC left that little gem out of their coverage. It’s utter genius because the phrase is not a lie because of the clever use of the word ‘if’. I see what you did there, you wonderful, beautiful, stunning boy you. This way you don’t have to justify that line knowing full well that there are at least 5 unemployed people for every job right now, and the “billions” on welfare you spoke of also covers subsistence for the infirm and disabled, as well as the biggest chunk which is pensions. But we needn’t worry about them, poppet. Keep driving home that message: it’s the poor’s fault we’re in this mess. Them, and Labour.

And what’s this I hear about criticism for your economic strategy? I am so angry on your behalf. How dare they? It’s not like they could do any better. What do the IMF know about economics, anyway? Just because they have the word “monetary” somewhere in their title doesn’t make them experts. Or Vince Cable? I don’t necessarily believe having a slew of economics qualifications or being Chief Economist at Shell or even being economic advisor to Kenya are anything to shout about. Kenya? Do they even have a football team?

Anyway, qualifications don’t mean a thing in this day and age. I mean, having a degree in geology is hardly going to help you organise the stationery aisle in Poundland, is it? Look at George; no economic credentials in sight and now he’s Chancellor of the Exchequer; or Iain, faked his credentials, and now he’s the Secretary of State for Work and Pensions – not because they fully qualified themselves for their current roles in government, but because they proved time and time again that they embody that ineffable quality inherent in every great Tory politician, especially yourself, my darling, (and I mean this in the nicest possible way): a divine, merciless, unswerving, heroic ability to make the hard decisions no matter what the human cost. It’s what makes Britain great. History will liken you to Churchill one day, my love, I can feel it in my water.

Just a thought darling, but do have a word again about the whole drug legalisation issue. If it was a legitimate business, imagine the numbers of volunteer workfarers you’d get coming off the unemployed statistics while they measured out eighths of blue cheese skunk. Anyway, must dash, my weed dealer’s here.  (Just kidding, darling.  It’s cocaine.  I’m far too classy for weed.)

Katy Anchant


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