31st March 2013

31st March 2013

Dear Chosen One,

Oh Joy To The World! Forgive me for not writing yesterday my beloved, but I received a letter from you and was all aflutter. OK, so it was from the DWP, but THROUGH you:

“You currently receive Incapacity Benefit, Severe Disablement Allowance or Income Support on the grounds of illness or disability… We need to assess you for Employment and Support Allowance… a new benefit that helps people with an illness or disability move into work…”

My very own “Black Monday” (or “Black Saturday”) letter. Thank you. Finally, all those hundreds of thousands of people who have deluded themselves about their own “disabilities” will finally have their eyes forced open. Finally, you have eradicated disability. It’s gone! According to the benefits now available, from today, people with disabilities NO LONGER EXIST. Heaven be blessed!

While I am grateful, darling, that you wish greater things for me, I must admit to being slightly concerned that, although, I may achieve an amazing physical transformation in the coming days (which has been known to happen, I mean, it is Easter after all), with at least four people chasing every job in the UK, I doubt that the person with the mental illness would be picked over the ginger kid, or the guy with multiple sclerosis would be picked over the fully abled but completely incompetent bald guy who just smells a bit funny. No I wasn’t talking about Iain. (OK, yes I was).  And the one organisation created by the government to give “disabled” people jobs, Remploy, is being shut down.

At the beginning of last year, there were 54 Remploy factories. By December, there were just 20. By September, all funding will be stopped and they’ll all be gone. So, I get that you want everyone to “work hard and get on” but at the same time, you’re taking away their jobs? Are you not concerned, darling, that you might be coming across as a little cruel? It’s more than a little slightly confusing, unless of course you wish to implement MY employment ideas for the disabled, like Disabled Head-Nodders in Parliament, or Mobility Scooter Racing, or, my recent favourite, Moving Targets, for use at Army training facilities. With well over 10,000 already killed as an indirect result of their assessments or their benefits being stopped, this ought to be far quicker and more cost effective.

Another thing that might not be good for the headlines is that the benefit cap also comes into effect this month too, cutting the income of 56,000 households by an average of £400 per month which disproportionately affects children. Some 220,000 children will be hit, the Children’s Society says, compared to 90,000 adults. I’m not sure that many people would take kindly to the idea of taking money from babies. But, then again, it’s so easy, isn’t it? Why not? They’re much less likely to organise mass demonstrations or send you disparaging T-shirts in the post.

Yes, this may be your biggest stroke of genius yet, my sweet, darling man.

Katy Anchant

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28th March 2013

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-scotland-21953895

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2013/mar/11/austerity-almost-never-works

http://skwalker1964.wordpress.com/2012/05/23/the-myth-of-the-inherited-mess-52/

28th March 2013

Oh captain, my captain,

I do despair of IDS sometimes. He’s earned himself yet another alias; “Iain Don’t-half-talk Shit” with the declaration “I am not actually cutting welfare.” He tried to then qualify that statement by pointing the finger across the water saying, “if you were in Ireland, THEY are cutting welfare.” I see he has yet to move on from the Tory handbook “If You Can’t Defend Your Position, Make Something Up.”

Now where I don’t doubt that Ireland are indeed cutting welfare, surely the plebs already realise that he’s been doing it too. I mean, the man is heckled wherever he goes by crutch-waving scroungers. Please, someone tell him the cat’s out of the bag. In fact, the “bedroom tax” alone has been so heavily criticised by absolutely everybody, the cat’s not just out of the bag, it’s running down the street, looting the nearest Poundland, and hopping the 221 bus to Turnpike Lane. And when, in a few days’ time, around 660,000 people see a drop in their monthly housing benefit of around £60, and when around 100,000 of them fall into arrears and start getting eviction notices, I think they might get an inkling that IBS may have been telling a little untruth.

I’m sorry, I’m just a little frustrated that you and your boys have to lie in order for the masses to see what a better world you’re trying to create. I do monitor the ‘laptavists’ for you daily, my love, while dunking my Digestives in my tea, and unfortunately I can see the lies slowly unravelling – for example “you can’t spend your way out of a deficit” (more and more people are calling this statement horsemeat as the OPPOSITE has unfortunately been overwhelmingly true); and of course, the old reliable, “the mess left by Labour” (this one seems to be getting on people’s wick a bit now because apparently Labour did actually manage to SHRINK the debt THEY inherited from the previous Tory government to the lowest point it had been since well before they took over, right up until the global financial crisis, which they didn’t cause, by the way), – so I’m just saying be careful, my darling. And tell Iain to keep an eye out too. A solid NHS walking stick can leave a nasty bruise.

Katy Anchant

27th March 2013

http://www.centreforwelfarereform.org/library/type/pdfs/a-fair-society1.html

http://diaryofabenefitscrounger.blogspot.co.uk/

http://epetitions.direct.gov.uk/petitions/43154

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2013/mar/22/labour-demands-action-jobcentre-targets

27th March 2013

Hello Cheddar,

I can’t tell you how excited I am for you to finally see those benefits changes coming into force in just a few days – the “bedroom tax”, the cut in council tax benefit, the housing benefit cap and also, in a few days, everyone still on Incapacity Benefit will see it suddenly change to Employment and Support Allowance and they’ll most likely go into a WRAG or Work-Related Activity Group, whether they’re fit to work or not, and if they have a working partner, after 12 months they will no longer receive anything. Not a thing! After 12 months, financially, that person ceases to exist! And some lucky soul at the JobCentre is awarded an Easter egg. What a win! I mean, why should the taxpayer have to pay to feed that useless eater when someone else, who presumably loves them (poor thing), would be more than happy to go hungry to support them. It’s the big society. All your idea, my handsome genius.

The latest swathe of cuts amount to about £75.2 billion, half of which are coming from benefits and local government (whose primary function is to provide social care) but the fact that together they only make up 26.8% of central government expenditure is neither here nor there. It’s only redressing the balance. After all, the plebs have had it far too good for far too long.

Although, it’s probably a good thing you’ve rejected the idea of a ‘cumulative impact assessment’ given that it’s the ones with the severest disabilities that will be affected the most, because it really won’t make for good headlines.

But I understand what you’re doing, darling. The abolition of the Independent Living Fund (that helps 21,000 people with severe disabilities) and removal of the Incapacity Benefit and Disability Living Allowance is now effectively saying that no-one is officially disabled anymore! In one fell swoop you have made the lame to walk, you have made the blind to see. In another time and place, people would have worshipped you for that. Unfortunately, you might also have been nailed to a cross, but that is the price of immortality, my darling. 

Katy Anchant

25th March 2013

http://www.guardian.co.uk/politics/2013/mar/25/teachers-vote-no-confidence-michael-gove

25th March 2013

Keeper of my innermost sanctum,

Oh, poor Michael, having these beastly teachers pass a vote of no confidence in him.  I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again – these damned education folk are leeches on society, doing nothing but whinge and complain when it’s obvious to at least 20% of the population that you are your chums are doing an exemplary job.  I simply can’t see what they’re complaining about.  I mean, obviously he has abjectly failed to improve education, but he knows that already.  To claim that he treats teachers and pupils with no respect, though?  WTF, Dave?!

I’ll tell you something right now.  If these lazy teachers and feckless Proletariat pupils want respect, then they’d damn well better earn it by getting their heads down and doing some bloody work for a change.  It’s not as if there are no jobs, no opportunities and no hope for these students.  The possibilities for them to lead a barely-making-ends-meet, striving, tax-paying life working 9-5 in a job they hate are nigh on endless, and isn’t that what every good citizen should aspire to?  I bet all of these teachers just want to sit around eating Hob Nobs all day and claiming for second homes on expenses or getting chubby on subsidised dinners.  What they have to realise, though, is that only a small handful of people are worthy of such things, and as they are plebs, they simply aren’t.

As for the students who are going to school with no lunch money and no hope, there’s a simple solution to that.  Just give them all the option to leave school at the age of 11.  They can already read by then and would be absolutely fine working in Poundland for a £25 per week allowance (obviously they shouldn’t be eligible for £71 a week, since that would be ludicrous) so that they can buy their own damned lunch.

These plebs seem sent to try us to the very last, my darling, but at least you have me.  I mean, I’m a pleb, too, but, you know, I’m not that much of a pleb.  Only a tiny bit plebbish.  Not like those other plebs.  I hate plebs.  Hate them.

Katy Anchant

23rd March 2013

23rd March 2013

My little snowflake,

Dave, I have something terribly important to talk to you about today, and that is the weather.  I’ve noticed more and more recently that since you came into power the weather has just been, well, pretty crap.  Darling, please, could you switch the sun back on?

The thing is, I’m absolutely sure that if you brought the sun back people would feel more cheerful.  You would notice a sudden improvement in general population morale, and you would also get more votes if you made it absolutely clear that the sunshine was your doing.  I’m sure you have the power. After all, the previous government managed to cause a global financial meltdown, didn’t they?

Sorry to hear that we might get another credit downgrade thingy by the way.  Poor George must be feeling absolutely ghastly. Considering the disastrous path he’s been taking it’s a wonder the two Eds didn’t rugby tackle him as he held that briefcase in the air. But tell him not to worry, because when you switch the sun back on I’m sure he’ll be cheered greatly by all the women walking around in hot pants.  I’ll be putting mine on, too.

Katy Anchant

22nd March 2013

22nd March 2013

Pudding face!

You know, I don’t think I give Giddy enough credit. He’s such a resourceful little man. He’s actually made the forecast for the deficit sound positive; at least for the next two years. This is despite billions of unplanned extra borrowing and the economic growth forecast halving. Halving! It truly was an Easter budget because he seems to have performed a miracle of almost New Testament proportions.

I do hope that people don’t get wind of the fact that he’s delaying vital payments and cashing receipts in early, all to bring the deficit figure into EXACTLY THE MINIMUM needed to count as a reduction. I suddenly think he’s frightfully clever. I take back everything I’ve ever said about his mathematical skills. And at the same time, he’s managed to make it easier for people to borrow vast amounts of money, drink beer and speculate on the markets. Hooray! I can see another boom just around the corner. Can’t you, darling?

Might I suggest for the next Budget – as we already have the ‘bedroom tax’ and, as it’s common knowledge that all the plebs do is sit around all day watching Bargain Hunt – we introduce a widescreen telly tax. You could give TV inspectors new measuring-tape responsibilities and take a pound off their ill-gotten benefits for every inch of telly they own. That’ll raise millions, surely.

Ooh, and you could double the tax for a second TV. You could call it the “spare telly subsidy”.

You really need to give me a job, darling.  Really, really.

Katy Anchant