31st March 2013
Dear Chosen One,
Oh Joy To The World! Forgive me for not writing yesterday my beloved, but I received a letter from you and was all aflutter. OK, so it was from the DWP, but THROUGH you:
“You currently receive Incapacity Benefit, Severe Disablement Allowance or Income Support on the grounds of illness or disability… We need to assess you for Employment and Support Allowance… a new benefit that helps people with an illness or disability move into work…”
My very own “Black Monday” (or “Black Saturday”) letter. Thank you. Finally, all those hundreds of thousands of people who have deluded themselves about their own “disabilities” will finally have their eyes forced open. Finally, you have eradicated disability. It’s gone! According to the benefits now available, from today, people with disabilities NO LONGER EXIST. Heaven be blessed!
While I am grateful, darling, that you wish greater things for me, I must admit to being slightly concerned that, although, I may achieve an amazing physical transformation in the coming days (which has been known to happen, I mean, it is Easter after all), with at least four people chasing every job in the UK, I doubt that the person with the mental illness would be picked over the ginger kid, or the guy with multiple sclerosis would be picked over the fully abled but completely incompetent bald guy who just smells a bit funny. No I wasn’t talking about Iain. (OK, yes I was). And the one organisation created by the government to give “disabled” people jobs, Remploy, is being shut down.
At the beginning of last year, there were 54 Remploy factories. By December, there were just 20. By September, all funding will be stopped and they’ll all be gone. So, I get that you want everyone to “work hard and get on” but at the same time, you’re taking away their jobs? Are you not concerned, darling, that you might be coming across as a little cruel? It’s more than a little slightly confusing, unless of course you wish to implement MY employment ideas for the disabled, like Disabled Head-Nodders in Parliament, or Mobility Scooter Racing, or, my recent favourite, Moving Targets, for use at Army training facilities. With well over 10,000 already killed as an indirect result of their assessments or their benefits being stopped, this ought to be far quicker and more cost effective.
Another thing that might not be good for the headlines is that the benefit cap also comes into effect this month too, cutting the income of 56,000 households by an average of £400 per month which disproportionately affects children. Some 220,000 children will be hit, the Children’s Society says, compared to 90,000 adults. I’m not sure that many people would take kindly to the idea of taking money from babies. But, then again, it’s so easy, isn’t it? Why not? They’re much less likely to organise mass demonstrations or send you disparaging T-shirts in the post.
Yes, this may be your biggest stroke of genius yet, my sweet, darling man.