26th February 2013

26th February 2013


You wouldn’t believe the number of supporters you have, darling. You see, I’m so overwhelmed sometimes with my adoration for you that I just have it to show the world. I hope you don’t mind, but I post them on Facebook and have noticed that likeminded people have started to share them among their friends. I know you’ve not had much luck with social networking in the past, but I’m sure I can turn that around. The trouble is, a lot of people think these are sarcastic. I can assure you now, darling, that I am right behind you, because I understand you. You only want the best for the people. The best healthcare, the best education, the best prospects – as long as they’re the right sort and can pay for it. It’s perfectly reasonable if you ask me.

We all know the reason for the London riots. Too many poor people. Don’t get me wrong, poor people can be a decent sort, but put them into too close a proximity with the more well-off and they’re suddenly stealing pork chops and Lucozades off the shelves. I know you know all this already, which is why your stealthy plot to socially cleanse London is so forward-thinking and genius.

I remember last year, a report coming out which suggested selling off social housing in what have now become expensive areas in Central London, and the money being used to build affordable housing in cheaper areas. It proved a little unpopular because the assumption was that this would create crime-ridden ghettos in Greater London, similar to what happened in Paris where now whole areas are pretty much out of bounds, even to the Police. But you seem to be successfully reviving that idea without anyone even knowing it, through the benefit caps and the bedroom tax which it’s suggested could affect around 660,000 families. And you don’t even need to promise you’ll use the money to build more affordable housing. It’s inspired. The knock-on effect, of course, is you’ll now have whole boroughs occupied by the right sort who can pay for it, who make money, and who are more likely to put together a majority vote for you.

There’s a famous quote, “When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.” I also agree. Though, to move with the times, I would possibly amend it to, “When a man is broke in London, he should have his house seized and sold to an overseas investor.”

Katy Anchant


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