23rd February 2013
I’m not sure if you heard about it, but hurrah, another class-dividing, stereotype-enforcing, benefits-bashing TV programme is being planned by Channel 5: “Super Scroungers”. Well, I suppose Jeremy Kyle and the tabloids shouldn’t have to do it ALL by themselves. I hope you don’t mind, but I was so excited by the news that I took a little time yesterday to write a letter of thanks to them for their efforts in furthering your cause, darling. Although, I must say the tabloids aren’t doing a bad job at all considering how difficult it is to find people to match your policies and spin a good tale.
For instance, the account of that “feckless” Heather Frost, mother of 11 children, who “treated her womb like a clown car” given her own “£400k super-eco mansion” all came out of a simple story of a family kept in expensive and cramped emergency housing for years before finally being moved to a low-cost housing development by the council, all while the mother was recovering from cervical cancer. Incredible what they can do these days with a little fishing and a little omission. And if that wasn’t enough they even made up the fact she said that if she doesn’t like the new place, they’ll just have to move them, knowing full well of course, that the poor pleb couldn’t afford to sue them for libel.
There have been a good few of them recently. In fact, I would go one step further and suggest you take on Jeremy Kyle as an MP, or even better, as Speaker of the House. Can you just imagine the entertainment value that would be added to PM’s Questions?
“Oi! Milliband Where were you?! Eh?! Eh?! Call yourself a FATHER! SIT DOWN!”
Oh, and I’m so sorry to hear about the UK downgrade. Those damned credit agencies. Still, I suppose it was a blessing that they held out for as long as they did. Poor Gideon. But I’m glad to hear that he has taken my advice in believing in himself and pressing on with the austerity measures in the face of obvious negative effects and mounting evidence to the contrary. I’m sure there aren’t that many people who remember that the main argument for austerity measures was to maintain the UK’s triple A rating. I suppose he must be feeling a little down in the mouth at the moment. Perhaps you can throw a little karaoke party. I’m sure it would lift his spirits greatly to hear a rendition from you of Sinatra’s ‘High Hopes’ – “Oops, there goes another capital A…” or something. I’m sure you can make up something a little better.
All my love to you, Ol’ Blue Eyes,