20th February 2013
My darling, my sweet, my beloved,
As I’m sure you know I regularly peruse the Number 10 website to see what you’re up to and look at dashing photographs of you. I’m just wondering, though, as I’m a little confused, what the following paragraph in your Contact section actually means:
“It is possible to email the Prime Minister’s Office using the link below. If, however, your issue is personal or you wish to be assured of a direct response to your query it may be better to write to Number 10 using the postal address above. Responses to emails cannot, unfortunately, be guaranteed due to the volume received.”
This sort of suggests to me that posted letters are guaranteed to receive a response, although I admit that the wording does not implicitly state this. Still, I’m getting terribly worried about you darling, as to date I have sent you 86 letters and received three replies. Two were from representatives in your Direct Communications Unit saying that it is good of me to write to you, and one was from the homeless support division who were interested in some of the ideas I’d had about offering plebs tents to live in. (Is this to be implemented? Gosh, I do hope so.)
Is your lack of response due to cuts in funding to your stationery? I bet they’ve clamped down on all sorts of silly things since the papers got hold of the whole biscuit fiasco story. If it is because of cuts then please rest assured I will happily send you a few stamps and 84 sheets of paper (because today’s letter brings it up to 87, darling) so that you can write back to me. Otherwise do you have any of those compliment slips? I’m sure you must. I would gladly receive a compliment slip, and I can even give you some ideas for compliments, too – “Katy, you have lovely hair. Lots of love, Dave xxx <3”
You know, I never really liked old Tone, but he was ever so generous with his headed paper (and with those damned “disabled” plebs, damn him). He even popped over for a cup of tea a few times when he was feeling low. He always said my brownies were way better than Cherie’s. You really must pop over at some point when you’re back from India, darling. (Do be sure to wear sunscreen, by the way. A brow so finely bred and shiny must surely be prone to burn.)
In the meantime, I await my compliment slip with bated breath, my love.