18th February 2013

18th February 2013

Hello petal,

I do hope you’re having a wonderful time in India. I saw you on the news speaking at Unilever. I just think it’s so incredibly clever of you to frame the reshaping of our NHS into a private business, as merely an extension of Britain’s diplomatic relations. I love how you’re “allowing” their investment into our healthcare system as part of “strengthening our partnership”. I always defended you to my nay-saying friends who said a background in PR for a television company was no sort of foundation for Prime Minister. Well, I say the exact opposite. Appearance is everything. This was why Iain never lasted as Conservative leader with his unfortunate knack for looking like a Plasticine minion of Hell, or Gordon Brown with his inability to smile without help of carefully placed electrodes, and why Tony Blair became PM, with a salesman’s ability to make you believe that Iraq wants to kill reggae. But you’re far, far more charming, darling.

You’ll be pleased to hear that Team Cameron is carrying on reasonably well without you. I’ve noticed that they’ve started using the new manual: “If you can’t defend your position, make up a scenario in which you can”. It’s so clever, because how can one take up an opposing viewpoint on a reality that only exists in the mind of the person citing it? For example, Iain was asked why Cait Reilly was told to leave her voluntary position in a museum to stack shelves in Poundland. His answer was “she wasn’t.” Well, she was, but how can you argue with that? And then he goes on to tell the story of how “thousands” of youngsters cried out for work experience, which he happily provided and they very happily volunteered to do, and then they just collectively “decided” that they didn’t want to do it anymore, messing the companies around and so, consequently, of course, they should be punished for that. It’s genius! If the punishments for not taking up workfare have been deemed unfair and unlawful then just make up a scenario in which the punishments WOULD be okay. How wonderful – PR worthy of even you, my sweet chilli.

Please hurry back darling.  We need your tender touch.  I mean, I love Iain, but you’re so much handsomer and less demonic.

Katy Anchant


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