17th February 2013
Hello, my little love bunion,
I’m so sorry I was unable to write to you yesterday. My time had been completely exhausted by a couple of my whinging “disabled” friends who’d been given a zero on the disability scale at their Work Capability Assessment. That computer program at Atos (initially designed and used by insurance companies in order to deny claims) saw right through them, and it apparently falls to me to write their letters of appeal. You see, for some reason, they’ve got it into their heads that I quite like writing letters. But that’s really only because of you, light of my life.
I think the way forward, to get these “disabled” people off the books and determine the fakers from the genuine, would be to put them through some sort of physical survival test involving stepladders, chop-saws and angle grinders and if they’re still alive at the end of the assessment, they should be hired. Obviously, you’d to need to give a sizable financial incentive to any employers who want to be involved. They’d only have to offer the minimum wage at seven hours a week (like the kind “offered” to a workfarer in Superdrug last year) to take them off the statistics. Most of them are good for something. Why not seat a token one or two of them behind you in PM’s Questions? They’d probably be far more animated than some of the snoring MPs we have there at the moment. And no matter what their disability, I’m sure most of them can nod.
I am glad Team Cameron have got right on the case with defending Workfare. IBS was on the TV today. (BTW, I still recommend you consider my suggestion of the cosmetic surgery. On the interview, as well as new hand gestures, he seemed to also have developed a new “smile” that suggested, at any minute he was going to leap upon Andrew Marr and pull his tongue through his nostrils.) Do congratulate him for me. Saying it was the “most successful” back-to-work programme and that over half of “those kids” have come off benefits was a spin of political genius because it’s not actually untrue! They are off benefits. But let’s hope that the plebs aren’t wise enough to do any research and find out that there’s no evidence that workfare had anything to do with it and that the workfare scheme has actually made no measurable difference to employment figures or job creation – the same number of jobs would be available with or without workfare and the same number of vacancies would be filled, whether they be from workfarers or other jobseekers – and in fact, people have actually lost their jobs as a result of it because companies can get something for nothing. (Where have I heard that phrase before?)
Your favourite, something-for-nothing, scrounging, “disabled” pleb,