4th February 2013



4th February 2013

Hello love-muffin,

I hear you’re having trouble again with these rebel Tory ministers set to vote against you on the same-sex marriage bill tomorrow. The last count suggests it could be the majority of your party voting against you. They think you’ve lost touch with the “values of Conservatism.” I am seriously appalled on your behalf. How DARE they? The “values” you so proudly stand for are Tory through and through.

An honest and true Tory government would; ensure the rich stay rich and the poor… well the poor would also help the rich stay rich (in fact, ideally we’d have slavery brought back too, but we can’t have everything); companies would be free to engage in any commercial enterprise they like, unbound by regulations; they’d also be free to treat their employees as they see fit; inequality would just be seen as a part of life, the disabled and unemployed would take care of themselves; and generally the world would be like it was in good old 1941.

Well, can’t they see you’ve been fighting for these very ends? You have done more for Conservatism than anyone in history. The rich are getting even richer, and the poor are getting poorer, you’ve effectively decimated the welfare state, (the new generation of plebs don’t deserve it, because as you so rightly said,  they don’t want proper jobs, “they just want to be pop stars and footballers” – get Chris Grayling over to smack some sense into them I say), the NHS is being sold off, you’ve done away with hundreds of regulatory bodies, you’re attempting to negotiate away even more unnecessary human rights from the EU, and you’ve even managed to partially bring back slavery in the form of workfare. Go you! These people should be kissing the ground you walk on! Well at least “Nick” and Ed will have your back tomorrow – a welcome change, don’t you think?  I’m so pleased that “Nick” seems to be functioning properly again.

I know officially this bill is doing a lot for your credibility among the lefties and should bring in the gay voters, but secretly I know it’s just because you want to raise the level of haircare standards in the UK.

Sending you a cheeky smack on your botty, darling.

Katy Anchant


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