1st February 2013
I feel absolutely wretched. Poor Gideon. Why on Earth is there question about his abilities from your colleagues? Why would anyone want to get rid of him? I just don’t know what’s going on in the world darling, particularly not after having read about a possible revolt against you, too. I’ll tell you the problem with these people – they’re all power hungry. They want your meagre salary so that they don’t have to rely on expenses any more, and they want to line their own pockets by handing all sorts of contracts to their buddies. You would never do that though, Dave, and that’s what they don’t like.
I’m desperately worried about if you do get voted out by your own chaps darling. What ever would you do? I imagine that Prime Minister jobs are few and far between, and while you were looking for one you’d probably be sanctioned by the Job Centre for not applying for enough roles. Let me tell you this right now my beloved, you are too good for Poundland. No matter how criminal or worthless that Job Centre makes you feel, don’t sell yourself short. You were born to be Prime Minister and those who can’t see that are fools! Fools I tell you!
You know, I do have an idea that might solve this problem though. You know how you go around changing legislation on things like appeals and benefits increases? Well, why can’t you change the legislation about how many people need to vote against you in a show of non-confidence? At the moment it’s 15%, right? Which is 46 MPs. If you changed it to a minimum of 95% they wouldn’t stand a chance in Hell.
By the way, in a show of love to you, my sweet little custard pudding, I have started a petition to stop people from calling you Shiny Dave, the Crime Minister, Teflon Dave, Mr Came-n-Robbed, the CaMoron, Scamoron, Lightbulb Head and a whole host of other beastly things I can’t repeat on paper. As for the names used for George, Nick and Iain, well I simply can’t bear to share them with you, although I must confess I wept at discovering that George is more often referred to as “Gidiot” and our beloved Iain has become known as “Satan”. It is simply ghastly and by hook or by crook I will stop this mean spirited tosh.
I have three signatures so far, my beloved. You shall prevail!