27th February 2013
Hey sugar dumpling,
I’m so desperately sorry to hear about you being dropped from the Christmas lights festivities in your home constituency of Witney. You know how much I look forward to your public appearances, my beloved. Apparently though, the cost of last year’s event was £45,000 with £2,300 having to go on your security alone. And? It’s really small pennies if you ask me. How very dare they put a price on the safety of my little pudding? But I suppose it is the price of fame – being so fabulous that everyone wants to get their hands on you. You’re just too handsome for your own good!
I also heard that British Gas posted profits of £2.7bn last year after hiking energy prices up by 6% in November just before the cold spell. Everybody knows it’s just good business sense to make people pay more when they have no choice. Even I can see that this is going to upset quite a few though, which is why I was so pleased when I heard you’d stepped in to sort things out and ordered that all the providers made sure their customers were on the cheapest tariffs. (Although I am aware that saying “cheapest energy tariff” is a bit like saying “poorest Tory MP” – tehe!) Have I ever told you you’re my hero?
You’re EVERYTHING I would like to be.