27th February 2013



27th February 2013

Hey sugar dumpling,

I’m so desperately sorry to hear about you being dropped from the Christmas lights festivities in your home constituency of Witney. You know how much I look forward to your public appearances, my beloved. Apparently though, the cost of last year’s event was £45,000 with £2,300 having to go on your security alone.  And? It’s really small pennies if you ask me. How very dare they put a price on the safety of my little pudding?  But I suppose it is the price of fame – being so fabulous that everyone wants to get their hands on you.  You’re just too handsome for your own good!

I also heard that British Gas posted profits of £2.7bn last year after hiking energy prices up by 6% in November just before the cold spell. Everybody knows it’s just good business sense to make people pay more when they have no choice.  Even I can see that this is going to upset quite a few though, which is why I was so pleased when I heard you’d stepped in to sort things out and ordered that all the providers made sure their customers were on the cheapest tariffs.  (Although I am aware that saying “cheapest energy tariff” is a bit like saying “poorest Tory MP” – tehe!)  Have I ever told you you’re my hero?

You’re EVERYTHING I would like to be.

Katy Anchant


26th February 2013

26th February 2013


You wouldn’t believe the number of supporters you have, darling. You see, I’m so overwhelmed sometimes with my adoration for you that I just have it to show the world. I hope you don’t mind, but I post them on Facebook and have noticed that likeminded people have started to share them among their friends. I know you’ve not had much luck with social networking in the past, but I’m sure I can turn that around. The trouble is, a lot of people think these are sarcastic. I can assure you now, darling, that I am right behind you, because I understand you. You only want the best for the people. The best healthcare, the best education, the best prospects – as long as they’re the right sort and can pay for it. It’s perfectly reasonable if you ask me.

We all know the reason for the London riots. Too many poor people. Don’t get me wrong, poor people can be a decent sort, but put them into too close a proximity with the more well-off and they’re suddenly stealing pork chops and Lucozades off the shelves. I know you know all this already, which is why your stealthy plot to socially cleanse London is so forward-thinking and genius.

I remember last year, a report coming out which suggested selling off social housing in what have now become expensive areas in Central London, and the money being used to build affordable housing in cheaper areas. It proved a little unpopular because the assumption was that this would create crime-ridden ghettos in Greater London, similar to what happened in Paris where now whole areas are pretty much out of bounds, even to the Police. But you seem to be successfully reviving that idea without anyone even knowing it, through the benefit caps and the bedroom tax which it’s suggested could affect around 660,000 families. And you don’t even need to promise you’ll use the money to build more affordable housing. It’s inspired. The knock-on effect, of course, is you’ll now have whole boroughs occupied by the right sort who can pay for it, who make money, and who are more likely to put together a majority vote for you.

There’s a famous quote, “When a man is tired of London, he is tired of life.” I also agree. Though, to move with the times, I would possibly amend it to, “When a man is broke in London, he should have his house seized and sold to an overseas investor.”

Katy Anchant

25th February 2013



25th February 2013

My little yoghurt pot,

I’m so glad you’re getting that NHS bill passed on the sly, darling. No massive headlines. No fuss. No picketing in the streets. I’m not even sure many people know about how you’ve made the offering of all NHS services on the open market mandatory. Mandatory! And that’s all down to you! Come April, all hospitals will be run for profit. Amazing. Okay, so it didn’t work so well in Stafford, but I think the media managed to make that look like another failing of the NHS rather than the failing of the cost-saving corporate culture. Honestly, darling, I don’t know how you manage it. Even though you promised the plebs a thousand times you wouldn’t, you still managed to do it, and with all the pomp of a stifled fart. Fingers crossed that nobody catches a whiff until it’s too late, eh?  Silent but deadly.  🙂

Do you know, that Green Party bird, Natalie Bennett’s speech was covered by the Beeb the other day? I suppose someone there must’ve taken my previous letter to heart and decided they ought to try and at least look impartial again. Her policies are proving slightly too popular, though, with some of my lefty friends. She’s for things like: the minimum wage being a decent living wage; setting benefits at a level that allows a decent life; the renationalisation of the railways; an end to slave labour, and putting a stop to the demonisation of the poor. Basically, she’s taken almost everything in the current Tory handbook and is advocating the exact opposite. Just to spite you I think. I’ll keep my eye on her, darling, for you. She’s also a Ms. You should never trust a Ms. Although I don’t think the Greens are the only party threatening to split future votes.  I hear Ray Hall of the Beer, Baccy and Crumpet Party is doing rather well in Eastleigh.

Thank goodness everyone is still under the illusion that the two-party system is the only way this country can work and that a vote for the person that they actually WANT is a wasted vote. They call their strategic voting “the lesser of two evils”. Not that you’re evil darling, of course, but voting for the lesser of two evils is still voting for evil, is it not? Falling a hundred feet from a cliff or falling fifty feet from a cliff is still falling off a cliff. Thank goodness the lemmings are so easily led.

Fallen for you,

Katy Anchant

23rd February 2013



23rd February 2013

Sweetie DARLING!

I’m not sure if you heard about it, but hurrah, another class-dividing, stereotype-enforcing, benefits-bashing TV programme is being planned by Channel 5: “Super Scroungers”. Well, I suppose Jeremy Kyle and the tabloids shouldn’t have to do it ALL by themselves. I hope you don’t mind, but I was so excited by the news that I took a little time yesterday to write a letter of thanks to them for their efforts in furthering your cause, darling. Although, I must say the tabloids aren’t doing a bad job at all considering how difficult it is to find people to match your policies and spin a good tale.

For instance, the account of that “feckless” Heather Frost, mother of 11 children, who “treated her womb like a clown car” given her own “£400k super-eco mansion” all came out of a simple story of a family kept in expensive and cramped emergency housing for years before finally being moved to a low-cost housing development by the council, all while the mother was recovering from cervical cancer. Incredible what they can do these days with a little fishing and a little omission. And if that wasn’t enough they even made up the fact she said that if she doesn’t like the new place, they’ll just have to move them, knowing full well of course, that the poor pleb couldn’t afford to sue them for libel.

There have been a good few of them recently. In fact, I would go one step further and suggest you take on Jeremy Kyle as an MP, or even better, as Speaker of the House. Can you just imagine the entertainment value that would be added to PM’s Questions?

“Oi! Milliband Where were you?! Eh?! Eh?! Call yourself a FATHER!  SIT DOWN!”

Oh, and I’m so sorry to hear about the UK downgrade. Those damned credit agencies. Still, I suppose it was a blessing that they held out for as long as they did. Poor Gideon. But I’m glad to hear that he has taken my advice in believing in himself and pressing on with the austerity measures in the face of obvious negative effects and mounting evidence to the contrary. I’m sure there aren’t that many people who remember that the main argument for austerity measures was to maintain the UK’s triple A rating. I suppose he must be feeling a little down in the mouth at the moment. Perhaps you can throw a little karaoke party. I’m sure it would lift his spirits greatly to hear a rendition from you of Sinatra’s ‘High Hopes’ – “Oops, there goes another capital A…” or something. I’m sure you can make up something a little better.

All my love to you, Ol’ Blue Eyes,

Katy Anchant

“Super Scroungers”

This story has irritated me so much that I have written a letter. If you are irritated too then please feel free to copy and paste/amend the following, either to their Facebook page or via email on their website. I am in a VERY bad mood with the government today and the last thing I need is idiot Channel 5 irritating me as well. I simply am not prepared to put up with this rubbish for a moment longer. 

Dear Sirs,

I am writing to express my disappointment in Channel 5 at their commissioning of a three-part series entitled “Super Scroungers”. As a reluctant claimant of benefits myself I can assure you that although you may be able to find a very small minority of people “living in the lap of luxury” on benefits these are isolated cases and are a massive misrepresentation of claimants in general.

Given the government and media’s recent demonisation of the poor I would expect far higher quality and truthful reporting from Channel 5, whose fact-based programmes I find to be generally quite informed. 

By buying into the tabloid propaganda you will not only continue to create division and mistrust among the public but in addition put people in very real danger. Since the media began this onslaught against the vulnerable, for example, are you aware that disability hate crime has increased significantly? As a great many benefit claimants also suffer from disabilities whether they be physical or mental, by continuing this “scrounging” myth you will also be putting vulnerable people at risk of discrimation by those who do not understand the benefits system or how low the fraud rate of said system is. 

To perpetuate this anger and mistrust among the “scroungers” and the “skivers” is not only in poor taste but is also deeply irresponsible.

I would urge you to scrap this planned series and look into covering an issue that is actually of relevance rather than inciting hated towards those in receipt of benefits, where the fraud rate is estimated at considerably lower than 3%.


Write to them on Facebook or on their site:




21st February 2013


21st February 2013

Haunter of my dreams ❤

As you know, I seek out news articles on a daily basis to catch glimpses of your luminescent countenance and words of surreal wisdom, and I was heartened to find, finally, happy news from the number crunchers.  We’ve somehow gone from the blah blah blah of a shrinking economy, huge rises in child poverty, homelessness up a third, massive redundancies and the disabled dying, to employment numbers being the highest on record! On the BBC of all places! I honestly had to pinch myself.

Of course, on slightly deeper reading, I ascertained that, overall, it meant that employment as a whole went up 0.1%, but that’s hardly a headline, is it? It also, quite fortuitously, left out the figures for people on work-related programmes (including mandatory work schemes without pay or training), especially as this group comprised over 20% of all the new jobs created in that period.

The article did actually end with the fact that the youth unemployment rate, unfortunately, went up 0.3% but hinted that that was due to a lack of work experience. Perhaps there was opportunity there for an IDS plug, but on second thought, segueing into a paragraph on workfare would’ve been a bit too obvious, I suppose. I’m so glad you have the Beeb on your side. I’ve always worried that the damn BBC was always going to be impartial due to it essentially being publicly owned, but I’m so glad my feckless friends, who have started to recently call it “British Broadcasting Cameron” or “Bye, Bye Credibility”, were right after all.

Bloody Brilliant, Cherub.

Katy Anchant

20th February 2013

20th February 2013

My darling, my sweet, my beloved,

As I’m sure you know I regularly peruse the Number 10 website to see what you’re up to and look at dashing photographs of you.  I’m just wondering, though, as I’m a little confused, what the following paragraph in your Contact section actually means:

“It is possible to email the Prime Minister’s Office using the link below. If, however, your issue is personal or you wish to be assured of a direct response to your query it may be better to write to Number 10 using the postal address above. Responses to emails cannot, unfortunately, be guaranteed due to the volume received.”

This sort of suggests to me that posted letters are guaranteed to receive a response, although I admit that the wording does not implicitly state this. Still, I’m getting terribly worried about you darling, as to date I have sent you 86 letters and received three replies.  Two were from representatives in your Direct Communications Unit saying that it is good of me to write to you, and one was from the homeless support division who were interested in some of the ideas I’d had about offering plebs tents to live in.  (Is this to be implemented?  Gosh, I do hope so.)

Is your lack of response due to cuts in funding to your stationery?  I bet they’ve clamped down on all sorts of silly things since the papers got hold of the whole biscuit fiasco story.  If it is because of cuts then please rest assured I will happily send you a few stamps and 84 sheets of paper (because today’s letter brings it up to 87, darling) so that you can write back to me.  Otherwise do you have any of those compliment slips?  I’m sure you must.  I would gladly receive a compliment slip, and I can even give you some ideas for compliments, too – “Katy, you have lovely hair. Lots of love, Dave xxx <3”

You know, I never really liked old Tone, but he was ever so generous with his headed paper (and with those damned “disabled” plebs, damn him).  He even popped over for a cup of tea a few times when he was feeling low.  He always said my brownies were way better than Cherie’s.  You really must pop over at some point when you’re back from India, darling.  (Do be sure to wear sunscreen, by the way.  A brow so finely bred and shiny must surely be prone to burn.)

In the meantime, I await my compliment slip with bated breath, my love.

Katy Anchant