A letter to the “Nick Clegg” robot

30th January 2013

Dear Nick,

Doubtless I will not receive a response to this letter, since your comrade “Dave” never deigns to either, but I felt it was about time that I wrote to you about how much you have utterly and unspeakably betrayed your voters.

Up until a couple of months ago I was actually convinced that you had been replaced by a doppelganger, since you seemed only to speak when spoken to, and only to talk politics when it was to back up the Conservative government.  I recently realised, however, that in fact something far worse seems to have happened.  Quite a lot of people agree with me that you have seemingly been replaced by a “Nick Clegg” robot who is being operated remotely by David Cameron.  I have mentioned to Dave recently how your programming seems to be malfunctioning, since there has been occasional talk of you disagreeing with his ideas and I almost dare to feel hope, but apparently a few system upgrades have taken place and you are now back to being as subservient as ever.

Nick (if you really are “Nick” and aren’t a robot), I wonder if you actually have any idea of how very disappointed all of your voters are.  I can categorically state that I know of no one who voted for you who doesn’t sorely regret their decision.  You already know all of the promises that you have broken.  You’ve already apologised for some of them.  But have you thought to apologise to all of the voters who feel like utter idiots for voting for you in the first place?  None of the people who voted for the Lib Dems wanted the Conservatives to get in (hence they voted Lib Dem), and whilst you may have started out with reasonable intentions (although I question your motives in hindsight) you have actually done nothing but enable a group of clearly sociopathic individuals free rein to destroy the lives of thousands upon thousands of people – poor people, sick people, people who have lived in their homes for their entire lives, people who want to work and contribute and are made to feel like career criminals for not being able to find work.  Do you not realise what a deplorable and evil system you have enabled?

Nick, we are not numbers.  We are not statistics.  We are not scroungers and we are not fraudsters.  We are real human beings, unlike your vicious and deplorable Tory friends.  We know pain, we know suffering, we know the dent in our pride for being vilified for needing any state help whatsoever. Disability hate crimes are on the increase and even the people desperately struggling to find work are being sanctioned, put into workfare placements at Poundland when they have degrees in geology.  Has no one actually pulled you aside and told you that you are enabling this?

If you have even a semblance of decency about you I would imagine that you sleep very badly at night, dreaming of the families pushed into B&Bs and of the children going to school without breakfast, of the disabled people found “fit for work” and of the people made redundant due to ridiculous cuts who are now looked at with nothing but suspicion and loathing.

I think you realise that it is way too late for you to ever recover your reputation, and I think you know that the Liberal Democrat’s chances of re-election are entirely off the cards for a long time to come, but do you realise that actually, you can stop this farcical, profit-based, heinous and despicable affair? 

I used to love our NHS, our education opportunities, our social security system that ensured that people too unwell to work at least had a little bit of dignity, that they did not live in abject fear of that dreaded brown envelope.  I used to love our Britain, and I used to think that you might be able to make a change.  You cannot possibly be so drunk on power that you are unable to see quite plainly the damage that is being done to the UK under this unelected government. 

So what I want to know, Nick, is are you a real person?  Are you a human, too, like the rest of us?  Are you a man of even a modicum of decency and humanity?  Did you go into politics fresh-faced and eager to make the world a better place, or were you always in it for the money, the banks, the corporations, the greedy and despicable few?  The only other alternative is that you really are a robot, so I ask you – which is it?

Katy Anchant


3 thoughts on “A letter to the “Nick Clegg” robot

  1. I read this everyday, I always love how funny you are but you’re always still right there on the point of the matter. Although this takes a more serious tone, you’re bang on! People need to be treated with basic dignity and not like numbers and statistics. I really hope Nick Clegg reads this and changes his tune. I don’t give a f*** about his onesie to be honest, I’d rather know how he’s helping providing equal opportunities and working to give people a better standard of living.

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