28th January 2013

28th January 2013

Dearest darling,

Well done, you. I don’t know how you did it, but you fixed “Nick Clegg”. Did you find his microchip or did you change his operating system entirely? You must have installed “Tory Spin 1.1” in his startup, together with the manual “Blame Labour 2.0” (an absolute essential for every conceivable political debate).

I was watching the news, and I could see his lips moving, but I knew it was completely you! I could just imagine you sitting in the wings remote desktopping from your laptop.  Firstly, when challenged about the further downturn in the economy, possibly as a result of austerity measures, he said the cuts in spending were all part of a plan which was “drawn up by Labour.” (Blame Labour 2.0)

Secondly, he completely changes his mind on the whole austerity thing and gets behind the idea, saying you’ve “cut the deficit by a quarter…” (cleverly utilising the Tory Spin program) knowing full well of course, that most people don’t really know what “the deficit” is – being the difference between income and expenditure – and to cut it, all one must do is simply not spend any money. Bravo.

And finally, when questioned on his comments he made before his reboot, about how he thought you probably ought to have been spending more, he said (using Blame Labour 2.0) that there was no question of investing back then because “Labour said there was no money left.”

It’s like a Mac running on Windows 7. Utter genius. And you managed to do it all while in Switzerland eating pizza and taking the piss out of Boris’s hair.  And who can blame you?  You have the best hair out of any of them.  I bet you use Pantene, don’t you, beautiful?

Katy Anchant


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