23rd January 2013
How exciting! You looked so dapper with your purple tie, your stylish suit and the bright lights shining off your ultra-smooth boyish looks. You must’ve known I was watching. I’m sorry I made you stumble on the same sentence three times. But you pulled it back quite graciously. And to think, your pal Iain stood at that spot not long ago blinding everyone with his shine-back. It’s no wonder he was voted out by his own party. But that won’t happen to you now, sweetie, will it, with that quick-thinking in/out referendum bombshell.
It’s all coming together, darling. I was so worried for you lately but I really should’ve known. You’re a bloody genius! You make a promise of a referendum if you win the next election, thus winning back the Tory vote as well as pulling in even more support – the UKIP voters, the BNP voters, and even the pleb-class Labour voters fed up with their children coming home from school having learned how to swear in Polish.
And it’s not even as if you have to keep your promise, either. I mean it’s not like you’ve had to keep any of your other campaign promises, like:
– No cuts to frontline services. Remember this one, Dave, three days before the election? “any cabinet minister … who comes to me and says; ‘Here are my plans’ and they involve frontline reductions, they’ll be sent straight back to their department to go away and think again”.
– Or this, your pledge to “stop the top-down reorganisations of the NHS that have got in the way of patient care”. (Oh, woops!)
– No rise in tuition fees. (Hee hee!)
– No “privatisation of our National Health Service”. (Clumsy you!)
– Or how about these: no changes to child benefit (oh dear), will not scrap the Educational Maintenance Allowance (all gone), won’t raise VAT (sorry), “a bigger army for a safer Britain.” (around 25,000 in the forces gone already), or the winter fuel allowance being safe from cuts (cough).
But don’t worry, Dave. I’m sure no-one else is as smitten with your every word as I am and have forgotten those misdemeanours by now. ❤