16th January 2013
I realise you’re busy right now thinking about what you’re going to say in your big EU speech, so I’ll make it quick. Everyone’s dying to know what you’re going to say by the way, because nobody seems to know – not even your “Nick Clegg” robot. Anyway, rest assured that I am on your side. While we love the whole free-to-trade and travel and study and stuff the EU gives us, the whole bit about us having to give workers a minimum number of rests, annual holidays and reasonable working hours is frankly quite tedious. I mean, if doctors and nurses didn’t occasionally have to work multiple shifts back to back, who the hell are we going to bring in to support our medical staff? Atos? Oh wait, no, they’re an IT company.
On the upside, as all the attention is on your speech, I think people may have briefly forgotten about how your mate George’s austerity measures to reverse our deficit have actually made it worse. (Not for you, Dave, of course). But really, woops – over a billion more than this time last year. Perhaps to make the figures look a bit better you can pile a few more categories of out-of-work people into the ‘employed’ statistics. (I mean, more than you have already.) If you actually think about it, signing on involves: getting up early (one o’clock in the afternoon is early for these workshy plebs, believe me), travelling to an office, carrying out interviews and filling in forms. Is that not work? Better still, add them to the GDP! Who the Hell knows what that is anyway?
Sorry sweetie, I digress. You get back to being all Parliamentary and I’ll see you again tomorrow bright and early. About 4pm, okay? I’ll be wearing my French knickers.