31st January 2013

31st January 2013

Oh Dave, Dave, DAVE!

Sweetie, you really mustn’t be so blatant about the fibs you tell.  On Prime Minister’s Questions you said that the EU, OCED and IMF believe Britain will have the fastest growth of any major economy this year and yet The Times said just a few days ago that “the IMF slashed its UK forecast for UK growth by 0.3 percentage points, the biggest downgrade for a leading economy except Japan,” and it also warned against “spending cuts to an already weakened economy.”  Darling, you know, people do read the news.

Having said that, I can see why you took the chance on bending the truth with that one, because of course most of the plebs and Proles won’t look it up at all, but instead will fall at your feet in gratitude for increasing our chances of success in the global race (far more important than the human race).  I would suggest further cuts, though, as there is still a hardcore sect of working families, feckless scroungers and “disabled” people who are still somewhat up in arms about it all, and the quicker you can show them you mean business, the better.  (Perhaps a signed photograph or a statue in your image might help, darling?)

I digress.  Dave, the fibbing really must stop, as any fool can look up data on the internet, and do let Brandon Lewis know that he’s been rumbled too.  He said “under the last administration more tax payers’ money was being spent on benefits than on defence, education and health combined,” but, well, I mean, that’s just an outright lie darling.  Even counting pensions, it’s still less than NHS spending on its own.  Maybe you should do away with the NHS entirely so that he can be proved right?  Is he a robot, too?  If so, I think you should uninstall “Make It Up On The Spot 3.4” and roll back the software to “Tory Spin 1.1,” as TP 1.1, although deprecated, has far less bugs in it.

Still, I will leave it up to you darling.  What was it that Nazi propagandist once said?  If you repeat a lie often enough, it becomes the truth.

Katy Anchant

A letter to the “Nick Clegg” robot

30th January 2013

Dear Nick,

Doubtless I will not receive a response to this letter, since your comrade “Dave” never deigns to either, but I felt it was about time that I wrote to you about how much you have utterly and unspeakably betrayed your voters.

Up until a couple of months ago I was actually convinced that you had been replaced by a doppelganger, since you seemed only to speak when spoken to, and only to talk politics when it was to back up the Conservative government.  I recently realised, however, that in fact something far worse seems to have happened.  Quite a lot of people agree with me that you have seemingly been replaced by a “Nick Clegg” robot who is being operated remotely by David Cameron.  I have mentioned to Dave recently how your programming seems to be malfunctioning, since there has been occasional talk of you disagreeing with his ideas and I almost dare to feel hope, but apparently a few system upgrades have taken place and you are now back to being as subservient as ever.

Nick (if you really are “Nick” and aren’t a robot), I wonder if you actually have any idea of how very disappointed all of your voters are.  I can categorically state that I know of no one who voted for you who doesn’t sorely regret their decision.  You already know all of the promises that you have broken.  You’ve already apologised for some of them.  But have you thought to apologise to all of the voters who feel like utter idiots for voting for you in the first place?  None of the people who voted for the Lib Dems wanted the Conservatives to get in (hence they voted Lib Dem), and whilst you may have started out with reasonable intentions (although I question your motives in hindsight) you have actually done nothing but enable a group of clearly sociopathic individuals free rein to destroy the lives of thousands upon thousands of people – poor people, sick people, people who have lived in their homes for their entire lives, people who want to work and contribute and are made to feel like career criminals for not being able to find work.  Do you not realise what a deplorable and evil system you have enabled?

Nick, we are not numbers.  We are not statistics.  We are not scroungers and we are not fraudsters.  We are real human beings, unlike your vicious and deplorable Tory friends.  We know pain, we know suffering, we know the dent in our pride for being vilified for needing any state help whatsoever. Disability hate crimes are on the increase and even the people desperately struggling to find work are being sanctioned, put into workfare placements at Poundland when they have degrees in geology.  Has no one actually pulled you aside and told you that you are enabling this?

If you have even a semblance of decency about you I would imagine that you sleep very badly at night, dreaming of the families pushed into B&Bs and of the children going to school without breakfast, of the disabled people found “fit for work” and of the people made redundant due to ridiculous cuts who are now looked at with nothing but suspicion and loathing.

I think you realise that it is way too late for you to ever recover your reputation, and I think you know that the Liberal Democrat’s chances of re-election are entirely off the cards for a long time to come, but do you realise that actually, you can stop this farcical, profit-based, heinous and despicable affair? 

I used to love our NHS, our education opportunities, our social security system that ensured that people too unwell to work at least had a little bit of dignity, that they did not live in abject fear of that dreaded brown envelope.  I used to love our Britain, and I used to think that you might be able to make a change.  You cannot possibly be so drunk on power that you are unable to see quite plainly the damage that is being done to the UK under this unelected government. 

So what I want to know, Nick, is are you a real person?  Are you a human, too, like the rest of us?  Are you a man of even a modicum of decency and humanity?  Did you go into politics fresh-faced and eager to make the world a better place, or were you always in it for the money, the banks, the corporations, the greedy and despicable few?  The only other alternative is that you really are a robot, so I ask you – which is it?

Katy Anchant

29th January 2013

29th January 2013

Hello you handsome devil,

Oh dear, just when you thought you’d fixed him, “Nick Clegg” has gone funny again. Ed must’ve come along and fiddled with him. It seems his “austerity is bad” sub-routine is gone, but his “boundary change is bad” application was still running in the background. But I suppose if he’d done a u-turn on this as well, people really would start to get suspicious.  It’s a good job you didn’t take him out to have pizza with the gang the other day, the melted cheese would’ve fried his circuits. Besides, you need to keep him plugged in once in a while – we wouldn’t want his battery running out mid-sentence.

Of course, I do understand how the boundary change would be beneficial for you darling, with some sources saying it would greatly increase your chances for re-election. Of course, I hope you’re still telling them it’s so you want to make the vote fairer and more representative. (When we both know that if that were the case, you’d have mentioned the alternative voting method suggested by the Lib Dems, but let’s hope the plebs have forgotten about that one, eh). Anyway, it was worth a try, but as your spokesperson said, the “arithmetic looks pretty difficult.”

Numbers aren’t really your party’s strong suit, these days. Oh well, at least you still have fabulous hair, darling.

Your favourite LTB,

Katy Anchant

28th January 2013

28th January 2013

Dearest darling,

Well done, you. I don’t know how you did it, but you fixed “Nick Clegg”. Did you find his microchip or did you change his operating system entirely? You must have installed “Tory Spin 1.1” in his startup, together with the manual “Blame Labour 2.0” (an absolute essential for every conceivable political debate).

I was watching the news, and I could see his lips moving, but I knew it was completely you! I could just imagine you sitting in the wings remote desktopping from your laptop.  Firstly, when challenged about the further downturn in the economy, possibly as a result of austerity measures, he said the cuts in spending were all part of a plan which was “drawn up by Labour.” (Blame Labour 2.0)

Secondly, he completely changes his mind on the whole austerity thing and gets behind the idea, saying you’ve “cut the deficit by a quarter…” (cleverly utilising the Tory Spin program) knowing full well of course, that most people don’t really know what “the deficit” is – being the difference between income and expenditure – and to cut it, all one must do is simply not spend any money. Bravo.

And finally, when questioned on his comments he made before his reboot, about how he thought you probably ought to have been spending more, he said (using Blame Labour 2.0) that there was no question of investing back then because “Labour said there was no money left.”

It’s like a Mac running on Windows 7. Utter genius. And you managed to do it all while in Switzerland eating pizza and taking the piss out of Boris’s hair.  And who can blame you?  You have the best hair out of any of them.  I bet you use Pantene, don’t you, beautiful?

Katy Anchant

25th January 2013

25th January 2013

TFIF darling,

I see those damned number crunchers are back again, the Office of National Statistics. I told you to get rid of them. But I suppose they do occasionally come up with numbers that can be spun into something positive. However this time it seems all the experts seem to have taken the view that there is nothing positive about this latest update. But as I said yesterday, Gideon shouldn’t give up. However, he probably shouldn’t say so publicly how he believes abandoning the plan of austerity will lose him “credibility”. To be honest, Dave, he loses credibility whenever he opens his mouth. He should really be replaced by a more charming replicant like you did with Nick, who, incidentally is malfunctioning again. First he says he doesn’t agree with the whole EU situation you’ve created and then he says you were also wrong about the cuts. Find that subservient microchip and get it back in his head!

Sometimes I do despair of the people. If only they understood you, Dave. They think you’ve somehow trashed the institute of Democracy, but all you’ve done is repeat a very established pattern of government that is tried and true:

–   you tell the people what they want to hear;

–   the people vote for you;

–   you come to power and you do the exact opposite of everything you just said,

–   and then you get on with helping the people, albeit in ways they can’t really comprehend.

It’s called tough love, Dave. I, for one, understand.

Democracy? Does a child choose its own parents? A child doesn’t KNOW what’s good for them. Give them a choice and they’d have Coco Pops for breakfast lunch and dinner. You see, you have to be cruel to be kind. If they believe themselves to not be good at exams, you take away all the other established means of assessment, and you know what? They will suddenly GET good at exams.

If they believe themselves unable to work, take away their food and their home and you know what? They’ll find that part of themselves that thrives in the face of adversity and they’ll one day be running their own fitness franchise. If they believe they have difficulty walking 50 metres? Take away their specially adapted mobility equipment, (but, of course, you give them the chance to buy it back from you, I mean, you’re not completely without compassion) and you know what? They will find it in themselves to one day put on skates and sail that 50 metres. This is what you’re doing for them, Dave; giving them the means to help themselves by taking away their means to walk properly. Cruel to be kind, Dave.

Cruel to be kind, you sweet, kind, altruistic, misunderstood man.

Katy Anchant

24th January 2013

24th January 2013

Hi babe,

I read this morning that the IMF seems to think austerity was perhaps not such a good idea after all, and that George should “rethink”. Well, please tell Giddy from me that I think he’s doing a bang up job and not to give up, as long as he believes in what he’s doing. The fact that every respected economic expert on the planet disagrees or that austerity as a means of economic recovery has never actually worked in all of human history shouldn’t deter him.

Of course, both you and I know that austerity has nothing to do with the “deficit”, Dave. I know it’s necessary for the utopia you’re creating. If only the people understood. (Cue Louis Armstrong’s “What a Wonderful World.”) You want to live in a world where people have to rely on themselves, not on each other; where the strongest and fittest survive and the unfortunate get on with it quietly without being a burden on anyone; where the tax you pay on your latest capitalist venture doesn’t go towards the £71 per week lifestyle of some out of work scrounger; a world where, if you have the money, there isn’t a queue that can’t be jumped or a rule that can’t be broken.

I believe in you darling, and keep Gideon believing, too. Together you can make the difference even bigger.  You know, I see friends shaking hands, saying how do you do.  They’re really saying “the Tories are cool”, and Dave, I think to myself:  what a wonderful world.

Katy Anchant

23rd January 2013

23rd January 2013

Darling Dave,

How exciting! You looked so dapper with your purple tie, your stylish suit and the bright lights shining off your ultra-smooth boyish looks. You must’ve known I was watching. I’m sorry I made you stumble on the same sentence three times. But you pulled it back quite graciously. And to think, your pal Iain stood at that spot not long ago blinding everyone with his shine-back. It’s no wonder he was voted out by his own party. But that won’t happen to you now, sweetie, will it, with that quick-thinking in/out referendum bombshell.

It’s all coming together, darling. I was so worried for you lately but I really should’ve known. You’re a bloody genius! You make a promise of a referendum if you win the next election, thus winning back the Tory vote as well as pulling in even more support – the UKIP voters, the BNP voters, and even the pleb-class Labour voters fed up with their children coming home from school having learned how to swear in Polish.

And it’s not even as if you have to keep your promise, either. I mean it’s not like you’ve had to keep any of your other campaign promises, like:

–   No cuts to frontline services. Remember this one, Dave, three days before the election? “any cabinet minister … who comes to me and says; ‘Here are my plans’ and they involve frontline reductions, they’ll be sent straight back to their department to go away and think again”.

–   Or this, your pledge to “stop the top-down reorganisations of the NHS that have got in the way of patient care”. (Oh, woops!)

–   No rise in tuition fees. (Hee hee!)

–   No “privatisation of our National Health Service”. (Clumsy you!)

–   Or how about these: no changes to child benefit (oh dear), will not scrap the Educational Maintenance Allowance (all gone), won’t raise VAT (sorry), “a bigger army for a safer Britain.” (around 25,000 in the forces gone already), or the winter fuel allowance being safe from cuts (cough).

But don’t worry, Dave. I’m sure no-one else is as smitten with your every word as I am and have forgotten those misdemeanours by now.  ❤

Katy Anchant