18th December 2012
What’s Theresa May like in real life? I’d have to admit that heterosexual as I am (for you of course, darling) I may be slightly gay for her. I mean, this immigration thing with the whole minimum earning thing is a stroke of pure genius. Actually, I didn’t get to hear about this until recently, since I have this dodgy friend called Jan Louhichi who clearly does nearly as much crack as I do, who “fell in love” with some Tunisian pâtissier (fully qualified and highly employable, workshy pleb) and married him.
Now, although Jan runs her own shop and works all hours, she doesn’t quite earn the £18,600 minimum required for her to ship in this questionable foreign bloke and has nowhere near the £16,000 savings required, so they are conducting their marriage via Skype (LOL!!). I did try to tell her that as a pauper and a “person from abroad” he was obviously just after our generous free-for-all non-tested stigma-free benefits, but apparently love overcomes all obstacles. Not in her case I’m glad to say.
I did have a thought actually. She moans and whinges so much about it (boring) I was wondering about whether to claim expenses for a new mezzanine level on my servants’ quarter library. I could quietly slip her the dosh to shut her up (I don’t want Theresa to be seen as a bitch, after all), and we could always cover it up and say that it was “miscellaneous expenses” if anyone asks next year.
So basically I just want you to pass my love onto Theresa, and tell her she is amazing and is clearly totally down with the kids. Of course, Dave, I still love you best of all, but do feel free to invite old Teri the next time we lunch.