14th December 2012
In a twist of fate, hot on the heels of yesterday’s letter, I have today read that half of teachers have experience of teaching children who can afford neither breakfast nor lunch. Quite a lot of them have taken it upon themselves to pay for children to eat, often bringing in bread for them in the morning and then dipping into their own pockets at lunchtime. (They really do need a pay cut.) Now, it occurs to me that in some cases there may be some correlation between this and the fact that children may be underperforming by the age of 11. Hunger does, after all, decrease concentration, and the hungry children are clearly pleb spawn. (Plus, you know, the children who are bad at English and Maths but are excellent at art and music – hardly what we need in this economy, Dave.)
You really will have to give me a job as an advisor at this rate, because I think I have the answer to this conundrum. If you brought in more stringent testing for children before they finish primary school it would be possible to ascertain from a very early age those individuals who clearly aren’t going to have much to offer to society. My suggestion would be to remove those children from school at the age of 9 and put them into work placements at recycling plants. If they began a career scavenging wine bottles from cardboard at such an early age they would hopefully be dissuaded from any of the pointless subjects that they may have been excelling in over English and Maths, and they could be paid in sandwiches and Wotsits.
Talking of children, God damn it, Dave – I thought the alleged MP paedophile ring had been conveniently forgotten about thanks to all the pictures of dirty old Jimmy that have been splashed around in great abundance recently, but it would appear not. Don’t you own the police, Dave? Can they not be shot for carrying on this “probing” in secret? I will happily lend you my children to be photographed helping with the erection of tents for the poor with anyone you know who may be accused of such trivial crimes. They’ve never met an MP before and I’m sure they would be very excited at the prospect.
Love ‘n’ stuff,
PS. LOLZ at “We are raising money for the rich.” A Freudian slip? How is David Freud, by the way?