10th December 2012
Good greetings, Dave!
I am absolutely delighted to hear about your sudden overwhelming support for gay marriage. What an utterly wonderful PR stunt to detract from your little fib about NHS spending and poor George’s paddock scandal. It is a commonly known fact that a disproportionate amount of “gays” are deeply religious and you would be hard-pressed to find one that doesn’t pray nightly to our dear Lord God. All of my “gay” male friends regularly attend church and are skipping effeminately to their nearest chapel to book in, singing: “Dave is our hero! We love Dave! Never mind the homeless!” (Of course, I don’t have any “lesbian” friends – they are just dodgy.)
Incidentally, I haven’t heard back from you with my expenses claim form for my new kitchen and hotel fees. I’m afraid I’m also going to have to add a boob job to that claim form because I’ve realised that in order to keep you and George happy during our kinky Bullingdon-style sessions with rent boys I really do need to improve on my A-cups. I’m pleased to say that I don’t yet need to claim for any other non-essential operations like hip replacements or wisdom tooth removal. I’m delighted to hear that they are still being heavily rationed, by the way. Do be sure to let Atos know that those in need of hip or knee replacements should be sent, limping, directly to work placements.
Yours, in dire need of cleavage,