31st December 2012

31st December 2012

Oh, Dave,

Almost immediately after I had given my carrier pigeon Saturday’s letter to you I was appalled to find out that “Nick Clegg” might actually be a real person after all.  What isn’t clear to me, though, is what on Earth he’s talking about, because of course you want to look after the super-rich.  Surely all of the plebs know their place by now.  I personally was brought up to respect and revere my richers (like elders, but richer), and I don’t need to tell you, Dave, how much I adore you.  ❤

Besides which, everybody knows that it was the poor who caused the whole “deficit” in the first place with their fraudulent Tax Credits claims and scrounging ways.  Iain should come down far harder on these career criminals.  I myself am paying back over £2,000, but I do want to reassure you, Dave, that this actually was an error on the part of the Tax Credits office, and I am more than happy to be doing my bit to decrease our debt, because I, too, want to help us win the global race. 

What a rousing New Year speech, incidentally, and bravo, Dave for not getting cross.  My own speech would have gone something like this: “Disabled people, get better because you’re getting sanctioned, bitches.” 

Happy New Year to you, my darling.

Your favourite bitch,

Katy Anchant

29th December 2012

29th December 2012

Afternoon, Dave!

Gosh, there’s such a dashing photograph of you on the BBC News website, accompanying the article about your year in politics.  Of course I was deeply upset to read again about how badly you’re doing in the polls, but don’t worry, Dave, because I think I’ve managed to convince at least two or three people how wonderful you are.  If I, an established pleb, can see the wonderful work you are doing then everyone else ruddy well should too.

I must confess that I was incredibly surprised to see an article about Nick’s year in politics, though.  I had become absolutely convinced that he had been replaced by a robot earlier in the year, and I still have my suspicions.  Tell me, do you keep him in a cupboard most of the time?  Does he get very dusty?  I mean, he’s not really a real person, is he?  Apparently “Nick Clegg” has said that it is the Liberal Democrat’s job to anchor the coalition in the centre ground.  So a little like a paperweight, then?

Yes, a paperweight.

Katy Anchant

28th December 2012

28th December 2012

Hey pun’kin,

Oh dear – bummer about the ICM/Guardian polls.  It seems that people’s memories aren’t as short as we might have originally hoped, Dave, as apparently you’re not very popular any more.  😦  Don’t worry though, as there’s plenty of time before the next election to turn that around.  I will continue to remind people about how handsome and lovely you are.

Incidentally, did you know that some people think my letters to you are sarcastic?  I simply can’t understand it, as all of the figures and data prove beyond a doubt that you are the best Prime Minister ever, and British morale is at an all-time high (isn’t it?).  Despite this fact, there are still a few plebs who are bemoaning losing their ill-gotten benefits.  I simply can’t understand it.  You, George and Iain have shown them the error of their workshy ways and given them ample opportunity to get back to work in Poundland, but it seems there’s just no pleasing some people.  Even poor Iain’s advisors have warned him about the consequences of a benefits crackdown, but clearly these advisors are plebs in disguise.  Fire them.

By the way, what a shame about the level of house building being so low, but it’s not as if we need more homes, is it?  (No one can afford them anyway.)  I blame the entire thing on Labour.  In fact, I blame Labour for every bad thing that’s ever happened.  What I think people are failing to realise, though, is that when the Bedroom Tax comes in many people will have to move to smaller homes, meaning that all of a sudden we will have a surplus of huge houses.  Problem solved!

I see what you did there, Dave,

Katy Anchant

27th December 2012 – Bonus Truth Letter

27th December 2012

Dear Mr Cameron,

You will never receive this letter.  Much as the oppressed can find no way to speak up to the oppressor for fear of reprimand, you will never know my true contempt for you.  The wife raped nightly by the frustrated husband, the child mistreated by the alcoholic parent – they will rarely speak out through fear, but worse, through apathy and through an inherent understanding that Things Don’t Change – untrue, perhaps, but undeniably real while you are going through it.  Through knowing that whatever they have to say will fall on deaf ears. 

For what you are doing is not just stamping out the workshy and the plebs who feel they are owed a living.  What you are doing is destroying the hope and work of generation upon generation of ordinary working folk – the folk who started out as farmers, who toiled on the land and who answered to their landlord with supplication and generosity.  The folk who lived in tiny homes and brought their children up not with the finest of food and clothing, but with the most genuine and honest of love and kindness.  These are folk who nurtured and encouraged their children to be more than they had ever been before, and in answer these children did great things.  They became nurses and civil servants, soldiers and teachers.  They worked and supported their parents through their later years, providing them with a little warmth and comfort in the winter of their lives.

These are generations of kind, decent human beings, who supported and nurtured their families in the only way that they could – with love.  You, Mr Cameron, are single-handedly destroying all of that work.  That little wealth that they had accrued, that tiny bit of pride that they felt in having done a good day’s work.  The parents whose bodies finally gave in after years of work, the worn backs, the tortured limbs, the over-worked minds, who now you treat as scroungers and liars.  The blood of the ordinary man drips from your hands, Mr Cameron, while you declare your humility.

You know no humanity, Mr Cameron.  The people who are now dying, left bereft, declared fit for work, ineligible for even the most basic of human kindness are not the scum left over from New Labour’s rule.  They are the people whose families have worked for generations, whose parents wished for more for them, whose wives and children loved them and believed in them.  You never gave them a chance to prove a thing to you.  You have pointed the finger and incited mistrust and hatred.  You have vilified and criminalised ill-health and hopelessness.  You have made it something to be hated instead of pitied. 

Can you imagine, Mr Cameron, the people who you and your party have killed?  Can you step back for even a moment and accept responsibility for all that you have done?  Generation upon generation upon generation, who ended at one poor hapless soul who was deemed not good enough to receive Housing Benefit under your rule.  Who is dead or on the street or living on a friend’s sofa with not a hope in the world as a result of your policies? 

You, David Cameron, will go to Hell. 

Katy Anchant

27th December 2012

                                                                                                                                                27th December 2012

Davey baby,

Bless you. I do understand the need to increase popularity among the Proles in order to stave off a humiliating defeat at the next election, but really, is adding more brown faces in the Houses of Parliament the way to do it? I do not question your sincerity, of course. I, myself have “black” friends, (where else would I get my crack from?) but I do think, what with the rise in popularity of both the BNP and the UKIP, that the general populace are leaning towards a more, shall we say, ‘less multi-cultural’ approach.

May I make a suggestion? I know, with the help of the Daily Mail and Sun etc, you already have the Proles thinking the foreigners are responsible for all of the crime and probably a lot of the benefit fraud too. I think you ought to further this notion and at the same time make yourself more popular.

How? Well, what you ought to do is hire a few darkies – give them 6-figure salaries and a generous expense account – and the first time they use that expense account to house their inconceivably large families, expose them as corrupt and fire them publicly. Voila. It gives more ammo for Theresa and her immigration block-out on married partners who earn under £18,600, and makes you look tough on corruption, too.

Laterz fam,

Katy Anchant

26th December 2012

26th December 2012

Darling Dave,

Are you wearing your Santa hat?  I do hope you had an utterly wonderful Christmas day, and I am confident that as a homage to austerity you ate a Lidl turkey crown and a can of Tesco Value peas, with only a couple of bottles of cheap plonk from Londis (I’m still SO looking forward to the prices of alcohol going up – another great way to stop these bloody scroungers spending all of their benefits on beer).

I myself lived it up no end, as did all of my “disabled” friends.  Even the ones who have sanctions on their benefits at the moment just dipped into their offshore accounts for champagne, eggnog and Courvoisier brandy butter.  Let me tell you, it was a huge party of debauchery and excess.  (I do hope you’re going to stop these bloody foodbanks handing out caviar and cigars.    It’s just not on while you and your buddies have barely a pot to piss in.)

Speaking of which, I was reading just today about the 100% rise in parliamentary staff who earn over £100,000 per year since you took over, but also of the huge dip overall in the wages bill.  Dominic Raab has described this as “astonishing”, but I can’t see why.  Everybody knows that your friends who have been hired on £100k are three times as effective as some old pleb working on £30k.  Reading between the lines it is easy to see that a whole bunch of lazy Proles have been fired and replaced by streamlined £100k earners who are doing the job of many at a fraction of the cost.  You really must give me a job one of these days.  I am prepared to work for £80,000 per year, plus expenses of course.

Verily I declare,

Katy Anchant

24th December 2012

24th December 2012

Hello my little Christmas reindeer,

What a damned shame about all of those plebs in bed and breakfasts.  I’m mortified to read that the number of families in B&Bs has doubled, because each of these scrounging families is probably costing the tax payer more than your friends’ second homes.  It simply shouldn’t be allowed, your buddies coming under fire for claiming rental on each other’s houses while these Untermenschen live it up in the lap of luxury, all at the expense of the tax payer.

Now, I did receive a reply from your Homelessness and Support Division regarding my suggestion to give all of the Proles tents and put them up in fields in the Home Counties – Anita was interested to hear my ideas although didn’t mention whether they would be implemented.  My other suggestion, though, would be to give people the option to avoid Bedroom Tax if they give their spare bedroom to one of these hapless families.  After all, a quarter of households are overcrowded in parts of Britain anyway, and those families seem to get on fine as they are.  It would mean that you would lose revenue from taxing the empty rooms, but it would save you a fortune in B&B fees.

What a shame I didn’t have this idea before now.  You could’ve saved tonnes of money towards the deficit by now.

Festively frolicking,

Katy Anchant