30th November 2012
Gosh, this Leveson thing is getting terribly boring, isn’t it? Why can’t you just pop it in a drawer and forget about it? I mean, I regularly spend £5.6m on things that I’m not entirely sure I want. It happens almost every time I go to Poundland. Anyway, my key findings on the report are that I am deeply concerned about the lack of regulation recommended when it comes to these miserable bloggers online. Have you seen some of the mean things that people say about you, Dave?
Take this Keith Ordinary Guy, for instance – what a whinging whiny miserable old git. He has a vast number of followers who all seem to agree with the beastly things that he writes to you every day. Now Dave, I do know that my own letters are delivered to you daily on a silver platter with a few Custard Creams and a buttered roll by one of your admin assistants, but I am confident that they burn all of Keith’s letters in a fiery furnace of darkness and Ev-il to spare your feelings.
What I propose, Dave, is that I start up my own inquiry, the Katy Inquiry. As I am usually too unwell to do very much physical activity, I spend vast amounts of time perusing the internet and let me tell you, it’s not a pretty site (pun intended). I estimate that this inquiry will cost no more than £1.2m, although possibly to a maximum of £1.3m, or maybe £1.6m, or perhaps £2m, but that really would be the maximum unless it takes longer than expected whereupon it may be a maximum of £3m, but definitely no more than £4m.
Enjoy the Custard Creams, my darling.