24th November 2012

24th November 2012

Dearest Dave,

Gosh, your buddy Freud really has his head screwed on doesn’t he?  I’m so glad he is able to empathise so fully with benefit claimants.  What a sympathetic and understanding chap he must be, and very observant of the lazy workshy attitude of most people on benefits. I’m ashamed to admit it, Dave, but even with my poor health which means I am unable to take a job, I would have to say that even I am far wealthier now than I ever was when I had a job.   The last time I worked was in 2008, when I took a six month contract before I was diagnosed with moderate/severe CFS. The salary was £31,500pa, barely enough to buy a cup of coffee in comparison to the lavish £100 a week I now receive.  It is a wonderful lifestyle which enables me to watch Sky TV all day, drink champagne and snort cocaine for breakfast.  I practically have money coming out of my ears and I feel terribly guilty about that fact.  (Freud’s perspicacity, gosh.)

Myself aside, as I know you and I have a unique and special relationship, all of these utter scroungers who are living this wonderful “lifestyle” on benefits must be encouraged with far more sanctions and incentives than they now get, since everybody knows that the UK welfare system is one of the very worst in the world.  It is about bloody time somebody shook it up and made people work for their benefits, particularly when the Universal Credit is implemented.  Great Britain has no place for those 22% who cannot access the Internet.  With luck that tiny minority will starve or freeze to death.  (And of course, those who survive and in desperation steel a loaf of bread to feed their nasty little urchins will be put in prison where they won’t be able to vote you out even if they wanted to.  Another great win/win situation, Dave!)

I’m just thankful that Atos are managing to root out the 3% of fraudulent claimants and kill off many more at the same time.  The sick and disabled cannot continue to believe that they deserve any real help.  If they are not in a coma or dead then there is no reason why they shouldn’t be declared fit for work. The others could just be euthanized, as everybody knows is the kindest thing to do to a sick animal.  I, too, am quite prepared to be killed off as this would save the tax payer a massive £5,000 a year.  This will mean plenty more iPads for the ministers whose lives are far more important than mine anyway. 

Yours in solidarity,

Katy Anchant



NB: It was very hard to write this letter as I am actually seething.


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