23rd November 2012
I have a slightly awkward matter to bring up with you today and I do hope it doesn’t upset you too much. You see, I was reading yesterday about old George and his huge tax payer funded profit on his home in Cheshire, and it got me thinking, Dave. I wonder, if you can bear to share me, if you would kindly pass my details onto George. You see, notwithstanding his enormous trust fund, he’s just made more than enough money to pay off my mortgage (assuming of course that he won’t be paying any tax on the profit) and I think I might have an affair with him.
You see, if he keeps me as a funded mistress and pays off my mortgage, it will negate the need for me to claim expenses on hotel bills or keeping a second home, as it would be a moot point. I am fully available for booty calls day and night, and I would be more than happy for you to come along too, Dave. I know how kinky you Tory lads can be, naughty boy!
Of course, Dave, you know that my heart belongs to you, but I simply must think about my future financial security, and you are on such a very low wage that you’re practically a voluntary Prime Minister. I know you are away in Brussels right now fighting the good fight for Britain – be sure to charge the minibar to the EU Commissioners, and if you need me to lend you a fiver next week then just let me know.
Your kinky friend,