22nd November 2012
Hi Dave <3,
I want to thank you for the two replies I have recently received to some of my letters. Whilst on the surface they appear to be standard letters signed by someone in your Direct Communications Unit, there is no doubt in my mind that secretly you are reading my letters and feel a little jolt of joy at hearing from me every day. I have framed the replies that you have sent and placed them by my bed in heart-shaped frames. Thank you!
Dave, that said, I think given the intensity of our correspondence that we need to make our relationship a little more official. I would like to suggest creating a role in your office of Chief PM Morale Officer – that would be me. That way I will be able to write far more letters to you, telling you how excited I am about all of your plans to do away with the poor. I, of course, am one of them, but let me tell you that we are not all against you, Dave. I for one relish sitting here in a coat, fingerless gloves and a hat. I genuinely enjoy the challenge of choosing to “heat or eat”, and I am not the only one.
Of course, because of my poor health this will be a role that I will have to fulfil from home, but if we can get me set up with a flat near your office then I’m confident I would be able to pop in to see you for a cup of tea once in a while. I am also prepared to attend Prime Minister’s Questions when my health allows so that I can sit behind you cheering you on and heckling all of those disagreeable MPs who dare to challenge you. As for your supporters with their hushed “hear hear” attitude and slow nodding, I am quite prepared to give them lessons in proper cheerleading. In addition, the Conservative Party really do need someone pretty to look at, apart from yourself dear Dave, of course.
I would be prepared to start on the minimum MP wage as I am sure that the expenses will make up any shortfall in the cost of food, alcohol, iPads, mascara and rental of my home(s).