Firstly, I trust that you do not mind my rather informal use of your first name in this letter. After all, we are all in this together. I write to you in the hope that you could assist with a real problem that my household is having with morale at the moment. You see, since the tax credits limit was lowered dramatically we are £200 worse off every month. Furthermore, because of an error on their part, I am in fact paying back a large sum of money which was “accidentally” overpaid me.
As a disabled mother of two this has impacted on our already meagre lifestyle and means that often I am forced, along with one in five other mothers, to miss meals so that my children can eat. (They are well-fed and happy children, thank you for asking!) The great thing about this of course is that I now weigh what I did at the age of 13. Not a lot of mums can still pull off hot-pants, after all.
The main problem we are having, though, is that the antique mink stole which has been in the family for years is in need of a little renovation. Whilst I am against the fur trade, family mementoes from generations ago should be cherished, and I do. I wonder if you could provide me the contact details of the kindly people who recently tended Albert, the stuffed anaconda, and also where to send the expenses form to have this paid for by the tax payer. I’m sure that the cost to get my mink stole back in tip-top condition would be no more than £40. A saving of £9,960 to you!
Oh, and one other thing. I’m sure you’ll be delighted to hear that my children are doing fantastically at school. Since it is my hope that the educational establishment will stamp out any individuality or creativity they may possess and spit them out at the other end as good tax payers, I know that you will agree to paying hotel bills so that I can be nearer to their school Monday through to Friday. I’m sure you understand that the time and expense involved in getting a bus is simply ludicrous, and in order for me to ensure that they continue to knuckle down I simply cannot be more than five minutes away from the school.
Many thanks in advance and keep up the good work. I hear 73 of those work-shy bastards are dying off every week under Atos’ exceptional care, a fantastic saving which will go far in reducing the “deficit”.