30th November 2012
Gosh, this Leveson thing is getting terribly boring, isn’t it? Why can’t you just pop it in a drawer and forget about it? I mean, I regularly spend £5.6m on things that I’m not entirely sure I want. It happens almost every time I go to Poundland. Anyway, my key findings on the report are that I am deeply concerned about the lack of regulation recommended when it comes to these miserable bloggers online. Have you seen some of the mean things that people say about you, Dave?
Take this Keith Ordinary Guy, for instance – what a whinging whiny miserable old git. He has a vast number of followers who all seem to agree with the beastly things that he writes to you every day. Now Dave, I do know that my own letters are delivered to you daily on a silver platter with a few Custard Creams and a buttered roll by one of your admin assistants, but I am confident that they burn all of Keith’s letters in a fiery furnace of darkness and Ev-il to spare your feelings.
What I propose, Dave, is that I start up my own inquiry, the Katy Inquiry. As I am usually too unwell to do very much physical activity, I spend vast amounts of time perusing the internet and let me tell you, it’s not a pretty site (pun intended). I estimate that this inquiry will cost no more than £1.2m, although possibly to a maximum of £1.3m, or maybe £1.6m, or perhaps £2m, but that really would be the maximum unless it takes longer than expected whereupon it may be a maximum of £3m, but definitely no more than £4m.
Enjoy the Custard Creams, my darling.
29th November 2012
University applications have fallen again. Brilliant! Combine this with the falling numbers of people who are migrating to the UK, and suddenly British people have the opportunity to take back the jobs that the bloody foreigners have been stealing from us. You know, the minicab drivers, care workers, street cleaners etc. I would like nothing more than an English person serving me my latte. Rest assured, Dave, that those plonkers who are saying “alarm bells should be ringing” are totally wrong, as what would we do with a nation of well-educated, self-assured, confident people breaking the cycle of poverty? There’d be no one left to clean Nick’s office or deliver pizza, and we couldn’t very well let that happen.
My niece, who is 17 years of age, had hoped to study science at university. Luckily she has been put off the idea by the large amount of debt she would accrue, which is a huge relief to me. I want nothing more than for her to knuckle down, start paying taxes, and stop bloody moaning about the lack of opportunities that she has. Frankly, she’s getting a little too big for her boots, and this may be an occasion when I am forced, with her very best interests at heart, to march her directly to the Job Centre.
I’m totally in love with you, Dave.
28th November 2012
LOL! Who are these silly people who are urging you not to regulate the press? Surely they, too, can see how much sense it would make? For example the recent news story about the £200 daily allowance that MPs are to be given. I simply cannot understand what all of the fuss is about, since even I spend at least £200 a day on lunch and stationery supplies. That’s just what it costs, right?
You know, Dave, I dream of a world where you have complete control of the press. I envision articles about how fantastically benefit reforms are going, and how hapless youths have been shown the error of their ways and are happily working towards a long and fruitful career in Poundland. I dream of daily stories about the struggles of MPs, and their kind deeds towards the sick and disabled. I dream of you, Dave, having a compulsory daily column in every UK paper. Something along the lines of “Dave’s thought for the day: Stiff upper lip, chaps, we’re all in this together,” or “Prime Minister’s Daily Recommendation: Don’t like it? Stop whinging and kill yourselves.”
27th November 2012
This Tory MP/GP, Phillip Lee, what an intuitive man! I’ve long said that people with illnesses caused by lifestyle should be penalised. It’s yet another example of the growing entitlement attitude which simply can’t be allowed to continue. For example, people who develop Type II diabetes often do so because of eating unhealthily, and as you know research shows that those living in poverty are twice as susceptible. I can see absolutely no reason why they don’t change their diets to include more salmon, quinoa, caviar and organic grains in their diet. It’s hardly a large price to pay for a healthy body and mind. If they swapped their frozen chip and burger diet for one which included more fresh spinach I can’t see that it would cost them more than £50-£100 a week to change their lifestyle, and everybody could afford that paltry amount. They just need to stop spending their benefits on Class B drugs and Sky TV, don’t you think, Dave?
Also, Dave, I’m so sorry that the welfare-to-work programme isn’t working out as well as expected. I am confident that it just needs a little more time to take off. Perhaps if the companies concerned were given a greater financial incentive they would try that little bit harder to keep people in their employ. I would love to help out with the programme in my own little way. As you know, my poor health means I struggle a great deal with day-to-day activities including housework and cooking. If you could please pay me an initial fee of £600 with a further payment of £13,700 I will be more than happy to hire a hapless scrounger to do my cooking and cleaning for me. I pay £6.19 per hour and require help for 21 hours per week.
26th November 2012
I had a visit from a friend today who had asked me for some help to write a letter to her MP and her local council. You see, my friend has been working since she was 16 years of age and believes in working hard and living carefully. Her daughter is six years of age, and they live in a privately rented home with a small amount of assistance from housing benefit. Now, since her benefit has been capped and her landlord has announced that he is going to be raising the rent by over £100 in August 2013 to over £1,000, she is deeply worried about how she is going to sustain her rent, childcare expenses and travel costs to and from work.
Of course, Dave, I absolutely refused to help her write a critical letter. I tried my very best to explain to her about the “deficit” and about how we are all having to make sacrifices but it fell on deaf ears. The minute that she mentioned that she doesn’t vote Conservative and is deeply concerned about all of the benefit reforms that your government are making I couldn’t withhold my contempt for her “something for nothing” attitude any longer. I promptly threw her down the stairs, karate chopped the bitch and ordered her to get out of my house. She tried to apologise and said she had seen the error of her ways, but by that point I simply could not contain the indignance and rage that had been bubbling in my soul any longer, and, Matrix-style, beat her to within an inch of her life.
I never liked her anyway.
I love you, Dave.
24th November 2012
Gosh, your buddy Freud really has his head screwed on doesn’t he? I’m so glad he is able to empathise so fully with benefit claimants. What a sympathetic and understanding chap he must be, and very observant of the lazy workshy attitude of most people on benefits. I’m ashamed to admit it, Dave, but even with my poor health which means I am unable to take a job, I would have to say that even I am far wealthier now than I ever was when I had a job. The last time I worked was in 2008, when I took a six month contract before I was diagnosed with moderate/severe CFS. The salary was £31,500pa, barely enough to buy a cup of coffee in comparison to the lavish £100 a week I now receive. It is a wonderful lifestyle which enables me to watch Sky TV all day, drink champagne and snort cocaine for breakfast. I practically have money coming out of my ears and I feel terribly guilty about that fact. (Freud’s perspicacity, gosh.)
Myself aside, as I know you and I have a unique and special relationship, all of these utter scroungers who are living this wonderful “lifestyle” on benefits must be encouraged with far more sanctions and incentives than they now get, since everybody knows that the UK welfare system is one of the very worst in the world. It is about bloody time somebody shook it up and made people work for their benefits, particularly when the Universal Credit is implemented. Great Britain has no place for those 22% who cannot access the Internet. With luck that tiny minority will starve or freeze to death. (And of course, those who survive and in desperation steel a loaf of bread to feed their nasty little urchins will be put in prison where they won’t be able to vote you out even if they wanted to. Another great win/win situation, Dave!)
I’m just thankful that Atos are managing to root out the 3% of fraudulent claimants and kill off many more at the same time. The sick and disabled cannot continue to believe that they deserve any real help. If they are not in a coma or dead then there is no reason why they shouldn’t be declared fit for work. The others could just be euthanized, as everybody knows is the kindest thing to do to a sick animal. I, too, am quite prepared to be killed off as this would save the tax payer a massive £5,000 a year. This will mean plenty more iPads for the ministers whose lives are far more important than mine anyway.
Yours in solidarity,
NB: It was very hard to write this letter as I am actually seething.
23rd November 2012
I have a slightly awkward matter to bring up with you today and I do hope it doesn’t upset you too much. You see, I was reading yesterday about old George and his huge tax payer funded profit on his home in Cheshire, and it got me thinking, Dave. I wonder, if you can bear to share me, if you would kindly pass my details onto George. You see, notwithstanding his enormous trust fund, he’s just made more than enough money to pay off my mortgage (assuming of course that he won’t be paying any tax on the profit) and I think I might have an affair with him.
You see, if he keeps me as a funded mistress and pays off my mortgage, it will negate the need for me to claim expenses on hotel bills or keeping a second home, as it would be a moot point. I am fully available for booty calls day and night, and I would be more than happy for you to come along too, Dave. I know how kinky you Tory lads can be, naughty boy!
Of course, Dave, you know that my heart belongs to you, but I simply must think about my future financial security, and you are on such a very low wage that you’re practically a voluntary Prime Minister. I know you are away in Brussels right now fighting the good fight for Britain – be sure to charge the minibar to the EU Commissioners, and if you need me to lend you a fiver next week then just let me know.
Your kinky friend,