21st September 2015
My darling hog roast,
I do hope that you are staying away from prying eyes today and definitely aren’t looking at the piggate / Hameron hashtags on Twitter.
I totally agree with your friends who said that everyone does stuff like that when they’re young. I spent years wondering why the Tesco Value chicken fillets I was using in my bra didn’t give me quite the silhouette I was after. Maybe you’d just been misinformed about good head? Or was it some commoner who told you that ‘spit roasting’ actually related to pigs? I do have to say though, darling, what were you thinking? Do I now need to be tested for swine flu? I mean, it’s not that I’m against hamosexuality. Kermit is totally into that and everyone still loves HIM, but from what I can gather you may not have used protection with that particular babe and I can’t help but be concerned.
What with that and this alleged ‘dope smoking group’ it seems to have been a very joint-related day for you. Not really taking into consideration your noble brow and political prowess, people just seem to be scoffing and snorting with laughter. I think it’s simply beastly of them and I do hope they simmer down with their ham-fisted jibes. I do hope the humour of your nickname ‘Gammon Face’ hasn’t escaped you. If you can’t laugh at a time like this, when can you?
Anyway, I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling a little hurt, but you know I still love you nonetheless. Hopefully in future you won’t be such a silly sausage. Let’s put this unfortunate incident behind us – I’m hoping that it’s a bunch of porkies anyway – and get things bacon track.
Love always, my little piglet.
Good morning, sweetie-pie,
Thank goodness no-one seems to be kicking up much of a fuss about your Culture Secretary, Maria Miller being asked to pay back £5,800 in expenses after over-claiming for mortgage interest on her second home in which she used to house her parents.
I say it’s a good thing that not such a hoo ha was made because many MPs use their second home allowance in this way even though originally the main purpose of the expense was to give MPs a base closer to Whitehall. Some might say that if they’re able to house parents, or friends or other family, it could be argued that these second homes constitute “spare rooms”. But then again, the “something for nothing” culture can’t be used to describe anything like free mortgage interest payments, tax loopholes or profiting from the sale of public assets. No, it really is just for the poor people. I mean it’s not like they work even half as hard as your MPs.
It’s also a good thing because it would draw attention to the fact that both Mrs Miller’s parents are disabled and that might highlight the recent MPs report made that said the disabled are being hit disproportionately by the “bedroom tax”. About 60 – 70% of households affected contain a disabled person and this was not the purpose of the tax and has made them unintended targets. Well, there’s an easy solution. Get one of your offspring into Government and you’ll never have to pay a day’s rent ever again. Simples.
And my goodness, that Ed Milliband is a twunt, isn’t he? Calling you a dunce? And just because you sold Royal Mail for two thirds less than you could have. But “dunce”? That’s just not on. Two thirds of the shares from the sale of Royal Mail went to your pals’ City firms who have made an absolute killing, including Giddy’s best man whose hedge fund made £36 million. A “dunce”? Really? You’ve made a lot of friends very, very rich and you’ve secured your own future on the Board of whatever company you wish once you’re out of politics. (Incidentally, it was a great comeback calling Milliband a “muppet”. Give Ed a mop of ginger hair and he’d be the spit of Beaker.)
Enjoy the sunny day, my lovely man.
20th June 2013
My favourite, tireless, upstanding Member,
Oh dear, American presidents really do have a way of putting a foot in it don’t they? Among other gaffes, Obama went and called George Osborne, Jeffrey, confusing his name with that of a 65-year old black singer. And he did it three times! It’s not hugely surprising to be honest. It’s not like George is the most memorable of characters, though he is a far more important figure than people really give him credit for. For instance, his austerity programme, originally intended to be short-lived, (the plan was intended to have growth back up to pre-recession levels by the end of this year) has been extended twice already. The leading think tanks are now predicting that the measures would have to last up to and well beyond 2020 to reach its original aims. One highly respected and Nobel-prize winning economist, Paul Krugman, has said the measures are based on “a delusional misreading of basic economics.” Also George’s Right to Buy scheme that is now artificially inflating house prices is causing another bubble which is setting things up for another crash, so by the time George manages to get us to a sustainable level again he may well be the age of Jeffrey.
But you and I know, of course that growing the economy isn’t necessarily the aim of austerity. Austerity is a far more effective tool in population control. It’s being used right now across Europe and North America to devastating effect, causing soaring suicide rates, rising HIV infections and even a malaria outbreak. Austerity is the default position of almost every major western government in times of recession, and not because it works economically, but because they know the cycle of growth will repeat anyway so they may as well make some money and lose some of the bottom feeders at the same time.
I also heard about what Obama said about you and Nick and I think it’s utterly outrageous. He called Nick Clegg the better looking half of the coalition! How preposterous. How dare he still call it a coalition?
Of course, the good looking thing is also obviously wrong, but I did warn you darling, about all those extra lunches. I’m afraid to say that perhaps more than a few people might agree with what the President said, though I wouldn’t worry. If that is the case, then it means that Nick is doing his job. Every leader needs someone pretty to look at and to do public events and televised radio broadcasts while they get on with the important stuff. Obama has Michelle – you have Nick.
I am sure those economists haven’t the first clue though. After all, they didn’t all get to go to Eton. I’m sure by 2020 the UK will be flying past the gate in the global race on the wings of George. I have faith.
I’m so glad you’ve finally let on about your divine heritage. People should know that when they have to go without it’s for the good of society and it is what God wants.
For example, when a mother of a two-year-old chid has to go without food because she’s ineligible for the new Personal Independence Payment benefit (despite having to undergo chemotherapy for bowel cancer) because she can still walk over 20 metres, she can feel comforted by the knowledge that God would want this. Or when a 58 year old man with a long-term medical condition kills himself because his rent is taken away and benefits stopped just before Christmas, his family can feel warmed with the knowledge that with the extra money saved a vital MP can have his or her mortgage interest paid on their second home, as God would have wanted, of course.
How good and humble of you to give the credit for the Big Society to God. Although we both know that it was 99% yours really. He may have come up with the original concept but you were the one that really put it into practise by giving people the impetus to help each other – by taking away their sustenance in the first place. Jesus fed five thousand people with a couple of fish and a few loaves of bread – you have just taken that concept further by allowing them the opportunity to try it out for themselves!
How utterly divine.
13th May 2015
Hello my little pink flip-flop,
I had the most wonderful idea for you, my cherubim. I was sitting pondering yesterday what new tactics you will be able to come up with to distract people from the bigger picture whilst you slowly sell off the NHS and strip everyone’s rights away. You know how you and old Rupert have somehow managed to get everyone to hate, well, just about everyone? Well, during the election there was this highly un-PC and quite offensive epithet being bandied around: the ‘Leftard’. (At the time it did occur to me that actually, ‘Rightard’ would work much better, but that would never do.)
Anyway, everyone already hates anyone who can’t find a job, is terminally ill or who is desperately trying to claim the lavish overpayments of benefits that they’ve paid into for their entire lives, so who next?
Obviously it can’t be the corporations because we love them, or those lovely fox hunters, because we love them too, but why not, wait for it, the lefties? I mean, not those awful Labour voters because we already hate them, but the left-handed people? (You probably know them as sinistral because you is right well ejookated like.)
Anyway, you somehow managed to get lots of folk highly suspicious of disabled folk and literally spitting at those who can’t afford to eat, so I thought maybe lefties could be despised for having left-oriented brains, often having quite poor handwriting and of course, cruelty to cute animals. Except not foxes because we hate those little bastards. No, I mean cruelty to Corgi puppies and Foxhounds. It could be front page news with a small page 7 retraction a few weeks later, by which time the damage would be done.
Mwahaha, darling. It’s a cunning plan. Even more cunning than a fox with a bushy tail.
Congrats on the timely despatch of the pretenders to your throne, because let’s face it, you are a king amongst men. Gone is the Cleggbot, and that dreary Millipede. Tell me, will you have any problems transporting the original Clegg cadaver from your filing cabinet to a more convenient location? Will you be able to reuse the Cleggbot and change his programming a bit so that he can be a butler?
Anyway, your fabulous victory. I saw the TV footage of you getting out of the Jag at Buck house. It took me back to those old Colgate adverts, the sun shining off your perfect teeth. I would have been there in person, but I’ve been struggling to fight my way through the huge crowds of Eastern Europeans who have swamped my lovely, erstwhile quiet suburb. I can’t wait for your referendum on the whole EU thingy, to be honest I don’t really understand it all as I’m only a girl, but I’d GLADLY give up my human rights as long as they, umm, stop working so hard for so little pay and stop contributing loads to the economy.
Anyway, that doesn’t matter, they ain’t from round here, so send them all back! Better still maybe we could cut England out of the middle bit and float it away a bit, then we can stay all lovely and Anglo Saxon with our German/Greek Royal Family and not have to think about those angry Scots and those funny Welsh people. Also, could you please sort out Cif and Snickers bars, and what was wrong with Opal Fruits?
So be a love and get it sorted out quickly. Maybe we can discuss it over dinner, and a bit of afters, if you know what I mean?
Tatty bye for now
7th May 2015
My majestic, magnificent, masterful, manly man!
Happy Election Day! I’m on tenterhooks, darling. What is going to happen? (Please forgive my over-exuberance, I’m a little drunk.)
You see, (and this is why I haven’t written to you since the last budget) I was so determined to take advantage of the lovely gesture that Giddy made of taking a penny off beer, that I have spent the last few months consuming a thousand pints and can now proudly say that, because of George Osborne, I am now ten pounds richer! (Ignoring, of course, the £2,500+ in tax credits he took away from me, but I forgave him long ago for that. We’re all in this together, remember.)
Mind you, I probably shouldn’t have downed that last pint in one go just before heading to the booths. I think I may have thrown up on my local Tory candidate. Oops.
Anyway, I’m just going to email this as my printer doesn’t work because I know you’ll eventually get to see it and you’ll know that I’m still behind you all the way, hoping you’ll break a leg. And if, in a million to one chance, you’re no longer in Number 10 come tomorrow, you will forward me your new address won’t you darling? But you will be victorious, darling. I know you will.
How fitting that it’s VE Day tomorrow. In time to come they’ll name today VD Day!
It is with a heavy heart I write to you today. You see, one of my beautiful family cats was taken from me on Mother’s Day by a dog owned by a rather nasty youth, who encouraged and enjoyed the vicious attack until concerned neighbours came to investigate. I mention this because I wanted to say that, even in the deep hole of sadness that this event has left me in, our correspondence has taught me one thing: that life is about survival of the fittest and the reality of that fact can be brutal. You and your party only serve as healthy reminders of that fact.
So I’ll just make it a quick one. I just wanted to let you know I’m still here and that I’m still your number one cheerleader, though it seems you need little help because now you’re getting help from Labour too!
I know I mentioned Rachel Reeves before, IDS’s potential replacement should Labour win, (God help us), but she has come out and said, “We are not the party of people on benefits. We don’t want to be seen, and we’re not, the party to represent those who are out of work”.
She’s completely following your lead and, at the same time, she’s trying to sound even nastier than your own attack dog, Iain, thereby making him look a little less demon-like. A total win! At the next election people will have the choice between ‘Evil, Despotic, Poor-people-hating, Lying Sociopath’ and ‘Evil, Despotic, Poor-people-hating (and completely honest about that fact) Sociopath’.
I also heard that you were looking to recruit more young people into the Conservative Party and I think that’s a great idea. The youth do need an outlet for their blossoming young talent and, as I hold no malice whatsoever to the destroyer of my cat as I know he was just a messenger, I’m going to be on a London-wide hunt for him just for you, my dear, in the hopes that he may find a future place in your fold.
Your number one fan,
9th December 2014
I can’t say how sorry I am that I’ve not written for so long. I know with public opinion polls still dead set against you and for everyone trying to make moves to look good in the next election, you need all the support you can get, but rest assured, my zeal to put finger to keyboard to tell you how much I want you to break a leg is overwhelming.
It’s also difficult to find new stuff to write to you about, I mean it’s all so dull. People are still waiting for their disability benefits to be dealt with and in the meantime they’re starving and dying; homeless and poverty rates are going up and up; people are getting kicked out of their homes because some foreign investor has just bought it and wants to evict everyone; and the papers are still making up stories about how it’s all somehow the fault of immigrants and unemployed people. For a UK under your almighty blue rule, my love, it’s just so completely and utterly NORMAL.
I was moved to write today though, by a comment made by some Conservative Baroness, who suggested that the reason why so many of the poor are going hungry is simply because they don’t know how to cook.
Now I’m all for picking up the cheap looking stuff, but that cheap pasta is so hard and crunchy, I don’t know how people can eat it. Also, I realise a can of value beans can cost as little as 10p, but I’m going nowhere near cheap beans again after the last can caused my microwave to explode. And that value chicken? Not a chance. It somehow got away and I had to chase the damn thing halfway down the road in my pyjamas.
No, what with that and my improperly wrapped cheese, I think I’m going to stick with a McDonald’s breakfast from now on, thank you very much.
And, like some members of your party, they also make fantastic doughnuts.